A Staff Infection

I leave for summer staff in less than a week. Gulp. When I applied, it was begrudgingly. When I was accepted, I was elated (I mean who doesn't get excited when they get accepted into just about anything?) and now I'm in this sort of dreading stage. Somehow I've developed this knee-jerk defensiveness about myself, and I know I need to get it out of my system before I go. I'm kind of using this snooty, prideful, "I'm just going to serve and I don't give a crap if I make friends with everyone or not" way of thinking, and I really do think its reactionary. I'm being told that I won't be able to have a drink or any tobacco products for a month. I can't wear spaghetti straps. I can only listen to "Christian" music in the kitchen? WHAT THE CRAP? I'm 23 years old, I am allowed to do whatever the f--- I want to do--that's the whole perc of growing up. I'm not used to being told what I can and cannot wear, drink, or listen to, thus I understand why my defenses might be up. I want to treat this as a job--I go into the kitchen, do my thing and then go off and have my time. Write letters, chew on a stick for that oral fixation and listen to my discman, consciously separating my business and personal lives. Keep separate things separate, like I do at other jobs.
But that's not what I'm called to do--I'm called to serve, with the full expectation that this can and will occur outside the confines of the kitchen. I'm not ever "off" that job. I am called to go in with an open and humble heart. But how do I get there? I think about all the times I've gone to ALI to start staff work, and how excited I've been to meet new people and share our lives and experiences. Why am I resisting it now? Why do I have such a dislike of Christians? I hope I can contain this festering and kill it before next week rolls around.

The Little Foxes

Yesterday while driving down a undistinguishable town street I almost hit a young fox that was sitting in the middle of the road. I marveled at my proximity to the fox--the details of its red-brown fur, the blackness of its paws--and I realized I have seen more foxes this year than I have in all past years combined. They seem to be thriving. The thought of foxes (you following my thought progression? just pretend) reminded me of Song of Songs 2:15, and a lesson I had heard Seth #2 give on it several years ago.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is the metaphor? For these lovers, the vineyards appear to be their physical attraction and the foxes are those things that may mar or step between that mutual attraction. I think it's more. What are the foxes that tempt us so strongly and destroy all that has been planted in us? I hate when I start writing in 2nd person. I need to own what I write.
What are the foxes that sneek in during the night and ravage all that has been planted in me?
What are the little foxes?
With this in mind, foxes are such a good metaphor. They are unusually hard to spot when they choose to be, but can be so bold that they become threatening with their mere bravado. They are devious, and are keen to the idea that there are always more ways to do one thing. Foxes are breathtakingly beautiful, yet their luster betrays the dirtiness of their methods.
If I plan to catch the little foxes, I have to see them first.
And they tend to be right in front of me.