The Future in Hindsight

As I stand on the edge of the future God has made for me I can't help but look back on what I had dreamed about and what was lost. If I didn't have these back problems and back pains, what a kayaker I'd be! I'd own boats and I'd teach--maybe I'd end up managing a company or working for a maker. Where would I live? Who would I know? What stories would I tell? Would I be able to play guitar more w/o those headaches and neckaches? Would I perform again?
God has me where he has me for a purpose and a reason, but tonight I can't see it past my present physical pains as I mourn the loss of What Was.

"Feeeeeeelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...."

Today I had the 6.5 hr drive back to VA to pick up the last of my things and attend a wedding. Driving is always a sort of therapy for me as it forces me to think on things I've avoided. Today's thoughts were on feeling, or more specifically, the heart. How is it that humans have been in existance for thousands of years yet we've only been able to understand the first few inches of a depth of tens of leagues within the human heart? My friend Liz and I were talking about those things that have portions of our hearts, and how reserved we are about confessing that for a multitude of reasons, some well-intentioned but most mere self-preservation. We don't own what is in our hearts. I think on this because I have a sincere desire to give Christ my whole heart, yet if I don't even know what's there, How am I to know what I'm giving over to him? I want to know what I give him--not so I can control and censor what I give, rather so that I may give more freely and willingly. If Christ has my heart and a desire in my heart continues to grow, who am I to supress and deny that desire? We downplay it, we brush it off, keep it secretive under the guise of "making sure it's God's plan" but if you've prayed about it earnestly and you've sought his will and guidance and yet that desire still grows, who are you to quell it? I want to learn to own what I feel; what I am passionate about and what distracts me. In my life it's a person who I've recently realized means more to me than about anyone else on the planet, and his happiness and wellbeing matter more than my own. It has little to do with us being together (though frankly I wouldn't mind); I just genuinely love him for who he is: my friend. I don't think I would be able to own that before now, but if it fails than it fails. If I regret it than I do; if I am broken then I am and I know who will heal me. But if I don't own it, I lose feeling something. Feeling is a gift--both physically and emotionally--it is the difference between bland food and spice, between cloudy days and cloudless skies, stoic faces and wide mouths of surprise--it's like a self-check on living. God gave it to us for a reason and I've sqandered it in the names of strong independence and selfish pride for too long. I want to own what I am.

Next Bold Move

I haven't posted in a while--its not that I haven't had anything to say, in fact it's quite the opposite. I've had too much to say, too much thought, too much action, too much change. I don't know where to begin to wrangle and wrestle such unbroken ideas into sentences or linear thought.
I am in New York now. Wow. I have an apartment. I have a roommate. I don't have classes. I am doing what grown ups do. Overwhelming in its own regard. And what of leaving? Crabfest was the closest thing I may ever come to having a wedding reception--it was some of my favorite people on the planet gathered together to finally meet face to face. It brought tears to my eyes to even consider it a possibility. My sister will be 11 on Friday and I am there no longer. At the time in her life when a big sister may matter the most I am 500 miles away. Do I trust God to love and hold her close as the vines of self-doubt and teenagerdom threaten to strangle her innocence and trust? Oh hold her close, I love that little girl.
It's hard--I go through bouts of lonliness and overwhelming meloncholy--but if this is indeed the place I am to be in my life, then here I will stay, sensitive to the next bold move.

Quicksilver

I don't know what to say; maybe I've forgotten how to say it. Today is the first day I've actually had to myself, off from work, since mid-July. Wow. It hasn't felt that long though--days stretch and coalesce until they form one undulating mess that is time. I guess time is quicksilver.

Faith with Deeds Stinks Sometimes

Well I am back in VA--long drive, numb butt, but I'm back. It's been a huge kick in the stomach being back here--I am always blown away by how uninterested and almost hostile my family is to my walk with Christ. But what has been most difficult and testing is the call to move to Rochester. I am excited to move, but it requires me to leave a job I just got that pays well and promises growth for years to come, in a field I love. I don't really like the job, but i love the organization, their purpose, and where it could take me. However, i feel called to leave it, so this afternoon i'm giving them my two weeks. I just started. they are training me to take another woman's place who is retiring in two months. Ugh. I am excited and terrified--this is the biggest outward test of my faith so far. I know God has something awesome for me down the road, it's just hard to see it in the context of right now--it's not logical what he's calling me to do, and i'm a fairly logical person in my decision making. Part of me says it couldn't possibly be God, that it's the most foolish thing i'll ever do, but the rest of me just knows. I mean, why Rochester? I don't honestly know--it's the same feeling I got when I was called to go to school in Syr and called to go on summer staff--two experiences that changed my life radically. I worry about money, about expenses, about defeat, about my pride--I need to just suck it up, pray for strength and do it, but I'm feeling kind of alone right now. ahhhh!