I leave for summer staff in less than a week. Gulp. When I applied, it was begrudgingly. When I was accepted, I was elated (I mean who doesn't get excited when they get accepted into just about anything?) and now I'm in this sort of dreading stage. Somehow I've developed this knee-jerk defensiveness about myself, and I know I need to get it out of my system before I go. I'm kind of using this snooty, prideful, "I'm just going to serve and I don't give a crap if I make friends with everyone or not" way of thinking, and I really do think its reactionary. I'm being told that I won't be able to have a drink or any tobacco products for a month. I can't wear spaghetti straps. I can only listen to "Christian" music in the kitchen? WHAT THE CRAP? I'm 23 years old, I am allowed to do whatever the f--- I want to do--that's the whole perc of growing up. I'm not used to being told what I can and cannot wear, drink, or listen to, thus I understand why my defenses might be up. I want to treat this as a job--I go into the kitchen, do my thing and then go off and have my time. Write letters, chew on a stick for that oral fixation and listen to my discman, consciously separating my business and personal lives. Keep separate things separate, like I do at other jobs.
But that's not what I'm called to do--I'm called to serve, with the full expectation that this can and will occur outside the confines of the kitchen. I'm not ever "off" that job. I am called to go in with an open and humble heart. But how do I get there? I think about all the times I've gone to ALI to start staff work, and how excited I've been to meet new people and share our lives and experiences. Why am I resisting it now? Why do I have such a dislike of Christians? I hope I can contain this festering and kill it before next week rolls around.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Friday, July 9, 2004
The Little Foxes
Yesterday while driving down a undistinguishable town street I almost hit a young fox that was sitting in the middle of the road. I marveled at my proximity to the fox--the details of its red-brown fur, the blackness of its paws--and I realized I have seen more foxes this year than I have in all past years combined. They seem to be thriving. The thought of foxes (you following my thought progression? just pretend) reminded me of Song of Songs 2:15, and a lesson I had heard Seth #2 give on it several years ago.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is the metaphor? For these lovers, the vineyards appear to be their physical attraction and the foxes are those things that may mar or step between that mutual attraction. I think it's more. What are the foxes that tempt us so strongly and destroy all that has been planted in us? I hate when I start writing in 2nd person. I need to own what I write.
What are the foxes that sneek in during the night and ravage all that has been planted in me?
What are the little foxes?
With this in mind, foxes are such a good metaphor. They are unusually hard to spot when they choose to be, but can be so bold that they become threatening with their mere bravado. They are devious, and are keen to the idea that there are always more ways to do one thing. Foxes are breathtakingly beautiful, yet their luster betrays the dirtiness of their methods.
If I plan to catch the little foxes, I have to see them first.
And they tend to be right in front of me.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is the metaphor? For these lovers, the vineyards appear to be their physical attraction and the foxes are those things that may mar or step between that mutual attraction. I think it's more. What are the foxes that tempt us so strongly and destroy all that has been planted in us? I hate when I start writing in 2nd person. I need to own what I write.
What are the foxes that sneek in during the night and ravage all that has been planted in me?
What are the little foxes?
With this in mind, foxes are such a good metaphor. They are unusually hard to spot when they choose to be, but can be so bold that they become threatening with their mere bravado. They are devious, and are keen to the idea that there are always more ways to do one thing. Foxes are breathtakingly beautiful, yet their luster betrays the dirtiness of their methods.
If I plan to catch the little foxes, I have to see them first.
And they tend to be right in front of me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Turning up the Heat...
So I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 tonight.
Wow.
I knew much of what Michael Moore referenced, but to combine the facts with a bit of speculation--I think it raises questions that all Americans need to ask, and see answered: Why is it that those who are calling the shots are never in the line of fire (to quote Ani)? Why is it that out of the 535 members of Congress, only 1 has a child serving in Iraq? What is the connection between the Bushes and the Saudi BinLaden group? What did the government know about 9/11, and what did they seek to keep hidden? What was in the 28 sealed pages of the 9/11 commission report?
Why are some people so apathetic about it all?
Those bombs don't just go boom, they blow off arms, and legs, and faces, and children's noses, and husbands, and wives, and children...
after watching this, I would almost advocate a national draft (this is not even mentioned in the film) just because I think it would cause our nation's "leaders" to think twice, as it is their children that are fighting beside those poor enlistees. Want to make all men and women more equal in this country? Try a draft. We'll back down and pacify quickly.
Go watch it, please. Let me know what you think. And listen to his points--you don't have to be a Bush hater to ask these questions. You just have to have a love for Democracy and the openness that should exist between a government and its peoples.
Wow.
I knew much of what Michael Moore referenced, but to combine the facts with a bit of speculation--I think it raises questions that all Americans need to ask, and see answered: Why is it that those who are calling the shots are never in the line of fire (to quote Ani)? Why is it that out of the 535 members of Congress, only 1 has a child serving in Iraq? What is the connection between the Bushes and the Saudi BinLaden group? What did the government know about 9/11, and what did they seek to keep hidden? What was in the 28 sealed pages of the 9/11 commission report?
Why are some people so apathetic about it all?
Those bombs don't just go boom, they blow off arms, and legs, and faces, and children's noses, and husbands, and wives, and children...
after watching this, I would almost advocate a national draft (this is not even mentioned in the film) just because I think it would cause our nation's "leaders" to think twice, as it is their children that are fighting beside those poor enlistees. Want to make all men and women more equal in this country? Try a draft. We'll back down and pacify quickly.
Go watch it, please. Let me know what you think. And listen to his points--you don't have to be a Bush hater to ask these questions. You just have to have a love for Democracy and the openness that should exist between a government and its peoples.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
The Book of Ruth
Today I was shocked and heartbroken to hear that the famous (and infamous) Ruth = had passed away due to kidney failure (ie complications and side effects of the chemo and radiation). Those of you who knew Ruth are undoubtly heartbroken; those who didn't know her will wish you did. Ruth had the ability to make it seem that her days were 48 hours long, compared to the measly 24 of the rest of the world. She could raise four wonderful and successful kids, have a loving marriage (34 yrs next week), be active in a church, get Young Life started in LoCo and sit on committee, start "Lifeline" (a line for pregnant women in need of counseling), run my small group, horseback ride regularly, travel the world (doing things like bringing wheelchairs to paralized and disabled people in Romania or ride in a cattledrive in Montana...seriously), read a ton of books and still have 'downtime'. I don't think the woman slept. She was truly the matriarch of all things western LoCo and much more. I saw her on Saturday at Michelle's wedding and talked to her for just a moment--she looked so small and frail, but still had that sparkle in her eye that meant that if you talked to her for too long, you'd invaribly end up doing something for Ruth and totally thinking it was your idea in the firstplace. She had that ability and knew it; she could turn up that ol' South Carolina charm and get an eskimo to by an icebox not just for his family, but for the entire tribe.
I just think about all the thousands--not tens, not hundreds, but literally THOUSANDS--of lives she has touched in her 50-some odd years on this earth. She leaves a legacy and quite an example of what a mobilized christian can do, because there was nothing Ruth couldn't do. She took on Jen, Fran and I when we were 16-year-old punks resenting our small group leader leaving us for college. She worked so hard just to spend time with the three of us, and we never let her know how much it actually mattered. I regret that.
Ruth was not just a friend, mother, wife, mentor, boss, coulselor or gossip queen: she was a force. The woman had a gravitational pull about her; she moved earth in a way I don't know if I'll ever truly comprehend.
And she will be sorely missed.
I just think about all the thousands--not tens, not hundreds, but literally THOUSANDS--of lives she has touched in her 50-some odd years on this earth. She leaves a legacy and quite an example of what a mobilized christian can do, because there was nothing Ruth couldn't do. She took on Jen, Fran and I when we were 16-year-old punks resenting our small group leader leaving us for college. She worked so hard just to spend time with the three of us, and we never let her know how much it actually mattered. I regret that.
Ruth was not just a friend, mother, wife, mentor, boss, coulselor or gossip queen: she was a force. The woman had a gravitational pull about her; she moved earth in a way I don't know if I'll ever truly comprehend.
And she will be sorely missed.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Saved!
I went and saw the new movie "Saved!" tonight with four of my girlfriends (seeing as there are absolutely no guys my age IN THIS COUNTY, this is how it typically is). All four of us volunteer or work in high school ministry. One of my friends is as liberal as me, so I knew that the two of us would find it hilarious. The other three I wondered about.
I should have wondered.
It is definitely caustic toward the Christian culture in general, and about 95% of the satire is well deserved. And, simply put, much of it is absolutely hilarious. Let's face it, Christians are EASY to make fun of.
But what got me as I walked away from the movie (not making eye contact with some of the girls, as I was afraid of the rage that might be simmering there) was not just the humor and satire, but the truthfulness of some of the characters, and how much I sympathized with the main character, Mary, who falls away from a faith that I'm not sure was ever real to her. She was raised in the church and always surrounded by Christians, thus her faith was more a group march rather than a personal walk. She is confronted with a situation that would cause most to question God's methods or plan, and the judgment and callousness toward her from those 'Christians' around her would make almost anyone walk away. It's simply, "If this is what it means to be a Christian, then I don't want to be a part of it...and I don't know if he would even want me anymore." I wonder how many people, every day, think those very same words. I did.
Mandy Moore's character of Hillary Faye was a caricature of so many people I knew growing up. She epitomized all the reasons I began a life-long aversion to "Christian" types. From the prideful praises to the use of prayer as an excuse to gossip and it is so amazing to see how one person's false walk can harm dozens of true (but tarnished) ones. How someone who may have genuinely wanted to further God's work let it get to her pride, and thus used it as a ramp to get the things she wanted and not remember the rest.
However, the best character by far was the one of Patrick, the pastor's son and new kid in school. His character is a shining example of what a real Christian should (and often does) look like. He didn't come in with any preconceived notions as to who he was to be or how he was to effect lives. He didn't mouth off about his dislikes and gracefully considered each person before deciding his role in their life. When the mistakes and imperfections came out, he was the first to say "I don't care--we all screw up. But I know you, and I won't let that person go just because they aren't perfect." How much more loving and Christ-like can you get? If there were just ten more Patricks in the world, there'd be 100 less Marys.
I almost want more Christians to see it, not for the comedic portions, but for the characters themselves. Really observe their reactions to the people and situations around them, and then wonder if this movie didn't actually do something for the work of Christ: it let Christians know what they look like. On the drive home my friend pointed out that during the 2000 presidential race, both Gore and Bush would watch the spoofs of them on SNL to see how to improve their campaign--they used the footage of people mocking them to see how others may actually view them--and it changed the way they reacted to America.
I should have wondered.
It is definitely caustic toward the Christian culture in general, and about 95% of the satire is well deserved. And, simply put, much of it is absolutely hilarious. Let's face it, Christians are EASY to make fun of.
But what got me as I walked away from the movie (not making eye contact with some of the girls, as I was afraid of the rage that might be simmering there) was not just the humor and satire, but the truthfulness of some of the characters, and how much I sympathized with the main character, Mary, who falls away from a faith that I'm not sure was ever real to her. She was raised in the church and always surrounded by Christians, thus her faith was more a group march rather than a personal walk. She is confronted with a situation that would cause most to question God's methods or plan, and the judgment and callousness toward her from those 'Christians' around her would make almost anyone walk away. It's simply, "If this is what it means to be a Christian, then I don't want to be a part of it...and I don't know if he would even want me anymore." I wonder how many people, every day, think those very same words. I did.
Mandy Moore's character of Hillary Faye was a caricature of so many people I knew growing up. She epitomized all the reasons I began a life-long aversion to "Christian" types. From the prideful praises to the use of prayer as an excuse to gossip and it is so amazing to see how one person's false walk can harm dozens of true (but tarnished) ones. How someone who may have genuinely wanted to further God's work let it get to her pride, and thus used it as a ramp to get the things she wanted and not remember the rest.
However, the best character by far was the one of Patrick, the pastor's son and new kid in school. His character is a shining example of what a real Christian should (and often does) look like. He didn't come in with any preconceived notions as to who he was to be or how he was to effect lives. He didn't mouth off about his dislikes and gracefully considered each person before deciding his role in their life. When the mistakes and imperfections came out, he was the first to say "I don't care--we all screw up. But I know you, and I won't let that person go just because they aren't perfect." How much more loving and Christ-like can you get? If there were just ten more Patricks in the world, there'd be 100 less Marys.
I almost want more Christians to see it, not for the comedic portions, but for the characters themselves. Really observe their reactions to the people and situations around them, and then wonder if this movie didn't actually do something for the work of Christ: it let Christians know what they look like. On the drive home my friend pointed out that during the 2000 presidential race, both Gore and Bush would watch the spoofs of them on SNL to see how to improve their campaign--they used the footage of people mocking them to see how others may actually view them--and it changed the way they reacted to America.
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