I don't know what to say; maybe I've forgotten how to say it. Today is the first day I've actually had to myself, off from work, since mid-July. Wow. It hasn't felt that long though--days stretch and coalesce until they form one undulating mess that is time. I guess time is quicksilver.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
Faith with Deeds Stinks Sometimes
Well I am back in VA--long drive, numb butt, but I'm back. It's been a huge kick in the stomach being back here--I am always blown away by how uninterested and almost hostile my family is to my walk with Christ. But what has been most difficult and testing is the call to move to Rochester. I am excited to move, but it requires me to leave a job I just got that pays well and promises growth for years to come, in a field I love. I don't really like the job, but i love the organization, their purpose, and where it could take me. However, i feel called to leave it, so this afternoon i'm giving them my two weeks. I just started. they are training me to take another woman's place who is retiring in two months. Ugh. I am excited and terrified--this is the biggest outward test of my faith so far. I know God has something awesome for me down the road, it's just hard to see it in the context of right now--it's not logical what he's calling me to do, and i'm a fairly logical person in my decision making. Part of me says it couldn't possibly be God, that it's the most foolish thing i'll ever do, but the rest of me just knows. I mean, why Rochester? I don't honestly know--it's the same feeling I got when I was called to go to school in Syr and called to go on summer staff--two experiences that changed my life radically. I worry about money, about expenses, about defeat, about my pride--I need to just suck it up, pray for strength and do it, but I'm feeling kind of alone right now. ahhhh!
Thursday, July 22, 2004
A Staff Infection
I leave for summer staff in less than a week. Gulp. When I applied, it was begrudgingly. When I was accepted, I was elated (I mean who doesn't get excited when they get accepted into just about anything?) and now I'm in this sort of dreading stage. Somehow I've developed this knee-jerk defensiveness about myself, and I know I need to get it out of my system before I go. I'm kind of using this snooty, prideful, "I'm just going to serve and I don't give a crap if I make friends with everyone or not" way of thinking, and I really do think its reactionary. I'm being told that I won't be able to have a drink or any tobacco products for a month. I can't wear spaghetti straps. I can only listen to "Christian" music in the kitchen? WHAT THE CRAP? I'm 23 years old, I am allowed to do whatever the f--- I want to do--that's the whole perc of growing up. I'm not used to being told what I can and cannot wear, drink, or listen to, thus I understand why my defenses might be up. I want to treat this as a job--I go into the kitchen, do my thing and then go off and have my time. Write letters, chew on a stick for that oral fixation and listen to my discman, consciously separating my business and personal lives. Keep separate things separate, like I do at other jobs.
But that's not what I'm called to do--I'm called to serve, with the full expectation that this can and will occur outside the confines of the kitchen. I'm not ever "off" that job. I am called to go in with an open and humble heart. But how do I get there? I think about all the times I've gone to ALI to start staff work, and how excited I've been to meet new people and share our lives and experiences. Why am I resisting it now? Why do I have such a dislike of Christians? I hope I can contain this festering and kill it before next week rolls around.
But that's not what I'm called to do--I'm called to serve, with the full expectation that this can and will occur outside the confines of the kitchen. I'm not ever "off" that job. I am called to go in with an open and humble heart. But how do I get there? I think about all the times I've gone to ALI to start staff work, and how excited I've been to meet new people and share our lives and experiences. Why am I resisting it now? Why do I have such a dislike of Christians? I hope I can contain this festering and kill it before next week rolls around.
Friday, July 9, 2004
The Little Foxes
Yesterday while driving down a undistinguishable town street I almost hit a young fox that was sitting in the middle of the road. I marveled at my proximity to the fox--the details of its red-brown fur, the blackness of its paws--and I realized I have seen more foxes this year than I have in all past years combined. They seem to be thriving. The thought of foxes (you following my thought progression? just pretend) reminded me of Song of Songs 2:15, and a lesson I had heard Seth #2 give on it several years ago.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is the metaphor? For these lovers, the vineyards appear to be their physical attraction and the foxes are those things that may mar or step between that mutual attraction. I think it's more. What are the foxes that tempt us so strongly and destroy all that has been planted in us? I hate when I start writing in 2nd person. I need to own what I write.
What are the foxes that sneek in during the night and ravage all that has been planted in me?
What are the little foxes?
With this in mind, foxes are such a good metaphor. They are unusually hard to spot when they choose to be, but can be so bold that they become threatening with their mere bravado. They are devious, and are keen to the idea that there are always more ways to do one thing. Foxes are breathtakingly beautiful, yet their luster betrays the dirtiness of their methods.
If I plan to catch the little foxes, I have to see them first.
And they tend to be right in front of me.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is the metaphor? For these lovers, the vineyards appear to be their physical attraction and the foxes are those things that may mar or step between that mutual attraction. I think it's more. What are the foxes that tempt us so strongly and destroy all that has been planted in us? I hate when I start writing in 2nd person. I need to own what I write.
What are the foxes that sneek in during the night and ravage all that has been planted in me?
What are the little foxes?
With this in mind, foxes are such a good metaphor. They are unusually hard to spot when they choose to be, but can be so bold that they become threatening with their mere bravado. They are devious, and are keen to the idea that there are always more ways to do one thing. Foxes are breathtakingly beautiful, yet their luster betrays the dirtiness of their methods.
If I plan to catch the little foxes, I have to see them first.
And they tend to be right in front of me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Turning up the Heat...
So I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 tonight.
Wow.
I knew much of what Michael Moore referenced, but to combine the facts with a bit of speculation--I think it raises questions that all Americans need to ask, and see answered: Why is it that those who are calling the shots are never in the line of fire (to quote Ani)? Why is it that out of the 535 members of Congress, only 1 has a child serving in Iraq? What is the connection between the Bushes and the Saudi BinLaden group? What did the government know about 9/11, and what did they seek to keep hidden? What was in the 28 sealed pages of the 9/11 commission report?
Why are some people so apathetic about it all?
Those bombs don't just go boom, they blow off arms, and legs, and faces, and children's noses, and husbands, and wives, and children...
after watching this, I would almost advocate a national draft (this is not even mentioned in the film) just because I think it would cause our nation's "leaders" to think twice, as it is their children that are fighting beside those poor enlistees. Want to make all men and women more equal in this country? Try a draft. We'll back down and pacify quickly.
Go watch it, please. Let me know what you think. And listen to his points--you don't have to be a Bush hater to ask these questions. You just have to have a love for Democracy and the openness that should exist between a government and its peoples.
Wow.
I knew much of what Michael Moore referenced, but to combine the facts with a bit of speculation--I think it raises questions that all Americans need to ask, and see answered: Why is it that those who are calling the shots are never in the line of fire (to quote Ani)? Why is it that out of the 535 members of Congress, only 1 has a child serving in Iraq? What is the connection between the Bushes and the Saudi BinLaden group? What did the government know about 9/11, and what did they seek to keep hidden? What was in the 28 sealed pages of the 9/11 commission report?
Why are some people so apathetic about it all?
Those bombs don't just go boom, they blow off arms, and legs, and faces, and children's noses, and husbands, and wives, and children...
after watching this, I would almost advocate a national draft (this is not even mentioned in the film) just because I think it would cause our nation's "leaders" to think twice, as it is their children that are fighting beside those poor enlistees. Want to make all men and women more equal in this country? Try a draft. We'll back down and pacify quickly.
Go watch it, please. Let me know what you think. And listen to his points--you don't have to be a Bush hater to ask these questions. You just have to have a love for Democracy and the openness that should exist between a government and its peoples.
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