Cognitive Crossroads

When I went back to Virginia for Christmas I was amazed to discover that my baby sister was calling me on the phone, wanting to 'hang out.' It was difficult for me to fathom that my little Katie was capable of making conversations, decisions, jokes and discussions. She's nine, but I have such a clear memory of her being born, of changing her diapers and watching her take her first steps that to see her concerned with her style of clothing (Old Navy) or with the music she likes (apparently a Beatles fan) blows my mind and fills me with pride. It's kind of strange realizing that yes, she is a cognitive human being instead of a reacting child! Yet I worry about her daily. Will she make the right choices? When the time comes to choose rebellion in success or in destruction, which path will she take? The other four of us took vastly different roads to get where we are; I pray she takes the most positive one. I want to be a big sister that she is close to, but being seven hours away for the past four years has put a major damper on the time I do get to spend with her--she grows and learns and changes and chooses and I am away, blind to the metamorphasis. It has an impact on where I want to go when I graduate. If I am far, am I able to be there for Katie when she needs me? And knowing how middle school is reassures me that yes she will need me soon...I do not want to sacrifice my dreams and ambitions, however I have a sister that may need my physical presence to be just a local call away. I don't know.

Standing Correct or the Best out of n?

In my communications workshop on friday my professor gave us a sitation. "Suppose that you are in a relationship," he said. " and suppose that you really liked this person and one day you asked them, if you were their best decision or the correct one. Which would you want to hear them say?" Hmm...toughie. I immediately wanted to say "why the best decision of course!" but then I realized I needed definitions before I could make a decision--what was the difference between best decisions and correct ones? I guess to me a correct decision suggests a finite outcome--either A or B, not degrees of it. You are either correct, or you are incorrect. That simple. Best decisions, however, are on a spectrum; there are varying degrees of A, B and endless others. But what would I rather be: the cut and dried correct one, or the best out of a possible pool? To me, best suggests that the search continues--that I could be correct for now, but I'm not Correct (as in The correct one). I never want to be in a committed relationship where I am the right now and not the right one. However to be the correct decision suggests that it is all logic that brings my significant other to that point--that rationally I make sense, but emotionally I may be subpar. Reminds me a bit of arranged marriages--it might be the correct choice for that woman to make when thinking of her family, her future, etc but does not leave room for the decisions or inputs the heart might suggest. Not that I ever listen to my heart when it does speak up, but that is a sidetrack. So would I rather be a correct decision or a best one? I don't plan to settle until I'm both. Just because I'm not searching now doesn't mean that I'm not going to settle at some time. What would you want to be? How do you decide? I am a logic person--a "correct decision" type of person, and it has protected me numerous times and brought me safely to happiness. But that is what it has been: safe. And ultimately, extreme safety brings the feeling of regret. Just a thought.

Repressing our Oppression

In conjunction with Diversity week at SU/ESF the Office of Residence Life put on a program called "The Tunnel of Oppression". My advisor got tickets and I hesitantly signed up to go. I've heard it all before,ya know? How could I learn anything--it's probably the same message I have heard over and over. We met on campus and walked over to SU's student center and waited our turn.
I cannot describe what the tunnel of oppression is--I can only say that it had a profound effect on my own counsciousness in dealing with others. The group was taken though the presentation by a guide, who stopped us at various points to witness powerful scenes acted out by students, or seen on video screens. I am not usually effected by such things, but it rendered each of us speechless.The thing that got me about those portrayed in the monologues was that each one felt totally alone in the situations that they were stuck in--each lacked the hope (or maybe the energy) to fight, probably because it was sucked out of them. I guess it makes me see how more and more people need God's love, as cheesy as that sounds. They need unconditional love to be real in their lives; I need it to be real in mine. Dunno...still processing. I highly recommend it to anyone who can go. Afterwards a few of us went down to Marshall St. for pizza, and got to talking about how we were raised, what we were taught, etc. I realize more and more how vastly different those raised in NY are from myself, raised in a family that believes itself to be much farther south than it currently is geographically. A surprising day that brought more thought at its end then seemed possible at its beginning.

"We Smart Enough to be Bored?"

There used to be an old 'Ren and Stimpy' skit where one cowboy says, "I'm bored" to which the other responds "You smart enough to be bored?" and I have been thinking about that lately--are we? Are we smart enough to know when we are no longer entertaining ourselves but rather just following an old routine or an old habit? Do we have the consciousness to make such a decision? I think it takes a concerted effort, no doubt. I guess this has come to the forefront of my thoughts because of the repetetion of weekend activities in college. No one ever seems to do anything new or interesting. There are always keg parties with the same bad beer, same games of beer pong, same songs on the stereo, same drunken conversations; same outcomes to the same actions. Rare are the students who dare to challenge that with alternative avenues. I had a good friend who lived near me last year who was fantastic at it; she knew where all the local artists/bands were playing, knew all the people downtown and elsewhere and could make the weekends a time for exploring rather then for complacency. Now I know many feel that the parties are always entertaining and always different but I can almost guarentee that they are either a junior or younger and that they are most certainly under 21. Not to be elitest, but by the fourth year of it the redudency becomes sickenly obvious and the option to go elsewhere under the might of 21 has its draws.
So why aren't people going elsewhere? Why aren't more students finding the open mikes, the tiny karaoke bars, the blues bands in smokey bars, the traveling troubadours at the coffee houses? Laziness? Fear? I don't know. Maybe it takes too much energy to search out the fun rather than take what's spoon fed. I just don't want to regret missing all the facinating opportunities that this place might have to offer because I was simply too caught up in the little shallow song and dance of the rager scene.

Walkin' After Midnight

Wow I haven't posted in a while! Happy new year! Been too busy getting the flu right after returning from the Lynchburg trip, New Years plans (went out with my dear friend Seth, we had a wompin' good time with the adults--cuban cigars, good champagne, fun games, a VT bowl win, etc), last minute visits with friends/family, then finally the trip back up to the frozen wasteland of Syr, pre-class prep, winter orientation help, one wild night at a local karaoke bar ( I got to sing Patsy Cline's "Walkin After Midnight" right before I did a duet on Salt-N-Pepa's "Whadda Man" talk about a jump in genres!!) and now classes. Took my mother and my 9-year old sister caving--that was interesting. It seems my relationship with my mother will always be tense and rocky, something I've learned to accept.~~~
Well it's my last semester of college, a notion that is both fantastic and frightening. We will see how it goes! Well I hope. Anyway, it's 14 degrees out, my bed is warm and I am tired! I will post a more developed blog later!!