It's the time of the year when the skies begin to throw temper tantrums like a cranky two-year old. Last night's storm was full of gruff and grumble, of shouts and spitting anger. I loved it. I shut off all the technology that sucks me out of time, I grabbed a handful of candles for the power outage possibility and settled in the living room, watching the rain fall so hard it bounced; it seem to be traveling up and down with the same fierce intensity. I picked up one of my guitars and played "Rain" by Patty Griffin. Fitting.
I think I'm craving simplicity. I want the clear, the unobtrusive, the unobjective, the basic. Rain was that. Guitar is that. Fire is that. The more I live the more I realize I know nothing; I own nothing; I control nothing but my reaction.
Days ago I was staring at a photo of me and three of my oldest, dearest friends. The photo is 7 years old now, and in it we are wide-eyed, optimistic, opulent in our plans, heading off to college y mas alla! Since then, all of us have hurt each other deeply. We remain friends, tied together more by habit and history than anything present. We love each other like family. I look at the photo and wonder if we'd known what we would do to each other, would we have invested so heavily back when it was new? Probably. It's not that I am jaded or bitter, it's that I'm sad that we've come out of these past 7 years with so many scars. I forget the arsenal of weapons we hold.
I'm learning that regret may be the worst of all the ghosts we live with.
2 comments:
you don't have to live with regret if you don't want to, but I like how you wrapped things back up with a hidden Patty G reference.
Well observed! I didn't know if anyone would catch it (Those of you who didn't catch it: Patty Griffin's first album is called "Living with Ghosts"). I don't think I live with regret anymore than the next, but I do believe when it haunts it is a rather loud and looming ghost to excercise.
I miss you Em--we should catch up.
-S
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