Meat n' Potatoes

'Children are our model because they have no claim on heaven. If they are close to God, it is because they are incompetent, not because they are innocent. If they receive anything it can only be as a gift.” -Brennan Manning, Ragamuffin Gospel

Stewing on that these past two days. Lessons are like magic eye drawings. The situation is a blur, a mess of color and incongruity until suddenly order and purpose burst forth (though lessons usually aren't in the shape of dolphins or a pirate ship) and an “Aha!” escapes. This whole year has been a lesson in accepting love, not in a form that I am typically comfortable with but in the messiness of imperfect life. I like love when I feel like I don't need it; like love to be a nice bottle of wine brought to a dinner party, rather than bread and potatoes given to a starving stomach. Because unearned love has no paybacks, doesn't have a running tally of “first you, then me, then you” fairness and that scares me, makes me feel very self-conscious and naked. Looking back on literally all of 2007 I see situation after situation were love was given freely in ways in which I am least comfortable. I think my removal from the intern program and yet staying on at Windy Gap is the greatest example. It was a hard realization to discover that that staff loved me enough to make a tough call, and in hindsight it was truly for the best. They loved me enough to say no.

And then there has been this business of this Fall. This is probably the closest I've been to a starving stomach since high school and there are people whom I love dearly loving on me in the ways I desperately need but can't fully express. I have been loved so well through all of this. What I receive is nothing I have earned; it is given. And what a gift it is.

(And Robin, there are things I'm not good at. I made a list earlier this year—it's right here)

(Yesterday was also my weird day. I think everyone has at least one a year, a date that is too full of memory. I creep around, pausing at every creak and sigh. There is much to think about)