Open Letters

Dear Kettle Chips,
Thank you for making Spicy Thai chips. They are addictive and awesome and delicious.
Love,
Spooner

Dear Trident,
Thank you for making gum that is strong enough that it can actually battle Kettle Brand Spicy Thai Chips.
Love,
Spooner

Dear Slumdog Millionare,
You were good but you weren't THAT good. Don't get too big for your britches. That's my final answer.
Love,
Spooner

Dear babies,
Please learn to comprehend sarcasm so we have something to talk about.
Love,
Spooner


Dear woman wearing jean jacket and jeans,
God bless you, but no. Nope. Uh uh. Not even you can pull that off.
Love,
Spooner


Dear Wafflehouse,
Every time someone thinks it is a good idea to patronize you I come to regret it later. Almost immediately actually. You are like a visit to my grandmother's but with less condescension.
Love,
Spooner


Dear Huddle House,
Please read my letter to Wafflehouse. Ditto to you, slugger. If possible, you are actually worse.
Love,
Spooner


Dear Sing-star,
You are the best game ever. Thank you for showing me how badly I suck at rapping, and yet how truly awesome it is to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and “Don't Go Breakin' My Heart” into a Playstation microphone. Now expand your song catalog. Beyonce please.
Love,
Spooner


Dear Brian Krakow,
I recently realized that most of the guys I date are basically you plus 15 years. That is kind of weird but now you are suddenly way cooler to me and that kind of creeps me out.
Love,
Spooner


Dear people who don't know who Brian Krakow is,
ABC's 1994 show “My So-Called Life” nerdy neighborhood kid, you commie loving bastard.
Love,
Spooner

Dear scale that says I've gained 15 pounds in a little over a month,
One of us is lying. My clothes say I'm right. Who is your character witness, scale? Who? Suck it.
Love,
Spooner


Dear people who are still reporting on Sarah Palin,
WHY!? DEAR GOD WHY? Is there really nothing else going on in the world, cuz I think there is. Now quit it.
Love,
Spooner


Dear Boyz II Men,
Reunion tour? Really? I didn't know we were even missing you yet. But you are coming to Greenville and I am DYING to know your demographic.
Love,
Spooner