Song Lyrics I Really Don't Believe, Madonna Edition

Time to do another edition of "Song Lyrics I Really Don't Believe" but this time I feel the need to focus on one specific artist, the Material Girl herself Madonna. I found a dearth of little nuggets; here are the first few. There may be more. Enjoy.
(older lists may be found here and here)

“I just think of you and I start to glow…” (Lucky Star)
Really, Madonna? You glow? Do you mean glow as in sweat, because that is fairly disgusting to admit. I'd maybe use "glisten" or "dew". Do you mean glow as a pregnant person glows? Do you just think of someone and you are knocked up? Wow. I'd say cover your eyes. Or do you mean like ET glow, like his creepy red heart in his chest thing? Do you have an uncanny urge to eat Reese’s Pieces and “phone home”? Do you see where this could be an issue, Madonna? None of these sound too appealing. ET might be cute and all but no one wants to sleep with him.

“You can turn this world around
And bring back all of those happy days” (Holiday)
Who the hell are you dating, Madonna? Who is this that can turn the world around, does this mean they can go back in time? Do we all go back in time when he decides to turn the world around? Do you mean “Happy Days” like the show, because by the time it ended we had the phrase “jumped the shark” for a reason, Madge. It sucked. Do you mean he can turn the world around as in make days, because I hate to tell you but he isn’t the one making the earth turn that way. That’s gravity doing all the work and you are a moron.

“Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last” (Like a Virgin)
Madge: you have obviously never heard the whole “Twinkies never rot” theory. I hear they can last for a long ass time. Hope the “it” to which you are referring is your massive stash of Twinkies or that guy is gonna be wicked disappointed.

"Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold" (Like a Virgin)
The words “love” and “thawed” should not go together. Love is not frozen peas, Madonna. You don’t grab a box of love out of the freezer to make a complete meal out of some fish sticks. Nor is love a microwave. Love is not where one puts a frozen breast of chicken to thaw it out. Well I guess they could but that seems to be stretching a vague metaphor a bit.

“Gonna get to know you in a special way
This doesn't happen to me every day” (Into the Groove)
Madonna: I beg to differ….somehow I think it just might happen to you every day. I’d love to see your day scheduler. Wake up, breakfast, shower, getting to know you in a special way, jog, adopt a baby, lunch…

“I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing” (Like a Prayer)
WTH is an angel sighing for? It sounds like the angel is exasperated, or in a mouthwash commercial. Does this angel have asthma? How does one know how to adequately compare a voice to an angel’s sigh? I looked it up on the Google and I could find no audio. Do you get a lot of angel’s sighing to you, Madge? You might want to get this checked out.

Beauty's where you find it
Not just where you bump and grind it (Vogue)
Is this a revelation to you, Material Girl? Most people say beauty is found out in nature, or in the smile of a child, or, I don’t know, in puppies and kittens and rainbows. You know, at the very least, that it isn’t just where you bump n’ grind it. Well done. In the game of 20 questions about where one can find beauty, you've knocked out one crucial question. I actually believe this point you’ve made, I just want to make fun of you for making it. Progress comes with age, Madge!

"I'd like to express my extreme point-of-view
I'm not a Christian and I'm not a Jew" (American Life)
Just because you are not a Christian or a Jew does not make your point-of-view “extreme”. It makes it pretty common actually. You gotta find more extreme points-of-view. Like if you had mentioned the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Birther movement or something I might say, “Wow that Madge really does have extreme points-of-view,” but no, I don’t think that when you tell me you don’t like the Bible.

"We only got 4 minutes to save the world...." (4 Minutes)
Several questions….first: really? 4 minutes? I didn’t know Armageddon had a snooze button. I didn’t know that when the world ends, we were going to be given a rough estimate of its timing. How long has this been counting down? And you thought when we were four minutes away would be a good time to tell the rest of us? This isn’t New Years Eve, Madge, this is the end of the mutha-loving world. And who told you anyway? Was it supposed to be a big surprise? And Madonna, somehow I don’t think you are the person the world would elect to save us. That Timberlake bloke: maybe. He's cute.

Lines in the Negative

I was one of the lucky few who got tickets for the Gillian Welch and David Rawlings show at the Grey Eagle last night. It was as great of a show as I thought it’d be; the crowd was reverential and Gillian and David seemed to be thoroughly enjoying themselves.

As they played their sets, I got distracted by the open rafters in that tiny space. I get distracted easily.

I was standing toward the side of the stage, so when I looked up and across the room I looked at the white rafters in profile; I could see the triangles of form and function. There was tape on the rafters where some wire had once been set and those pieces of tape formed black dashes across the scene, like highway lines in the negative. I started to think about perspective, how views change lines to curves, change great to small and vice versa; how perspective by its very nature is change.

I had the chance to canoe the Everglades a decade ago (GULP) and our last day we made the choice to canoe to a certain island and stop there for lunch. The island was clearly visible and didn’t seem too far off so we thought this idea reasonable. Not too far off ended up being about 4 miles. We had nothing to offer perspective, nothing to tell us what was near and far and so our best guesses ended up horribly off.

Perspective is the reason I keep a journal. I have to be reminded how I felt. I think it is terribly important to have something that acts as a bellwether, that serves as that buoy between the open seas of nostalgia and that narrow channel of truth.

Not What I Would Have You Be

Notes:

* Last night I had a dream in which Natalie drove up to me in her Volvo wagon. We were in Hamilton and she looked happy and healthy and as I was running toward her car I was yelling to the people around to take a photo of me with her, to show the world her happy and healthy face, to have proof of her there with me. It was so vivid. I woke up exhausted.

* I got a new phone the other week, an HTC Droid. I am in love with this device. I was already in a very serious, almost unhealthy relationship with my old phone and now that I've upgraded to Verizon's version of the iPhone I am hopelessly committed to my tiny technology. A few weeks ago I had several friends in town and we did the massive brewery tour known as Ducks & Bears. At the first brewery I got up to get samples and while I was gone, my friends decided to hide my phone and see how long it took for me to notice. Verdict? 120 seconds. Actually it was about 45 seconds, but it took me those extra seconds to ask them about it. See? Possibly unhealthy.

* I'm trying to get better about being honest about how I feel. For a few years I've been trying to be someone who was more relaxed than I actually am, someone who was good with maybes and "let's see where this goes" and know what? I'm not. I'm terrible at that. No mas! I'm embracing my need for definition!

* I know I'm not too funny on my blog, but I swear I'm pretty funny in real life. At least I think I'm funny. I crack myself up every single day. I had a thought about Miami Sound Machine like four days ago that I'm still laughing about.

* My cubicle is a serious shitshow. I need to put away some files; it looks like a box of papers vomited all over my desk. That is both truthful and kinda metaphorical.

* Know what is a great damn song? "Alligator" by Tegan and Sara. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love those wonder twins. My current favorite song to play on guitar is "Call it Off" by them; the line "Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at" just kills me. Also: they are wicked funny.

* There is a game on my phone called Drop. Betsy currently has the high score between the two of us. I finally beat her last night but this morning she pulled ahead again. It is slightly embarrassing how badly I want to beat her at this (guess who needs a new hobby).

* Natalie Merchant, yes she of 10,000 Maniacs fame, is back with a new concept album and what I've heard of it I've really enjoyed. She's taken poems from the 19th and early 20th centuries and turned them into song. Check it out.

* I'm exchanging social media classes for free wine. I met the general manager of a local wine bar, talked to her about Twitter and here we are. Best idea ever.

* 29 is coming up quick. What do I do about that?

* Last week I had a speed Scrabble/margarita night with the ladies. These are entirely necessary and should happen as often as possible. I pulled muscles laughing. Please note: jahats is not a word. Ahem.

* Friday night my friend Andrew's band had a show at the Grey Eagle. It was fabulous. I was super impressed with their opening act, Boys of Summer. Reminds me of Hem with a dash of Innocence Mission. Check 'em. Seriously great.

* Saw this quote today from Madeline L'Engle and I love it: "Because you are not what I would have you be, I bind myself to who, in truth, you are." That sounds like what I suspect love is but I don't know.

* My father called me the other day to hear my analysis on the Redskins signing McNabb. I talked for 10 minutes straight about it and he said, "Yup, can always count on you for better analysis than the commentators." Football is a way we connect, a language we both speak, so that was a huge compliment.

* I'm missing people even when they are standing next to me. Is there a name for this?

* This blog is brought to you by the letter N and the number 9.

Fitting

I went to church by myself yesterday.
I am enjoying my new church; it is a strange feeling as I can’t remember a time when I liked church as much as I am right now.
But it was the holiday, and I was there alone. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to church on Easter alone before; in college my church was full of friends and in the years since I’ve either not attended church on Easter or I’ve gone with friends. This was a first.

As I was getting ready to go, my roommate came home. She’d just met her boyfriend’s parents and she walked in with tears in her eyes. My immediate response was to find out who I needed to kill/shun/threaten. She smiled and said, “No one. I just really, really miss my family today.”

I realized that I did too.

It was with this thought that I went to church and took a pew toward the back. Two pews in front of me sat a family: a daughter about my age and her parents. Half-way through the service she smiled at her father and put her arm around her mother to hold his shoulder. He smiled and did the same and they sat there, the three of them together, arms holding each other into this family. It was sincere and shockingly intimate. I couldn’t stop looking at them and could feel this sadness simmering inside me, bringing tears to my eyes. I snuck a photo of them because I knew I’d want to write about it later.

Easter is about redemption, about defeat over darkness, about good news fulfilled. In the midst of a suffocating sense of loss there came hope and life, in the midst of seeming abandonment lay love never before seen. It is fitting it is celebrated in spring; life lives again personified.

I left church with the intense belief that I am loved beyond reason but the sincere desire to share in it with someone. I went home to an empty house, sat on my deck and spent my day in virtual silence, save for the birds. I could hear life as it kept on living.

Circle Round

Last weekend I had a group of 20-some friends from far and wide join me in a brewery tour around Asheville. It was bright and 75 degrees and, since 5 breweries are within walking distance, it was a casual adventure in matching green shirts.
This photo, taken by the incomparable Jane, reminds me that I am surrounded by love.
Such a joy, these people!