Not What I Would Have You Be

Notes:

* Last night I had a dream in which Natalie drove up to me in her Volvo wagon. We were in Hamilton and she looked happy and healthy and as I was running toward her car I was yelling to the people around to take a photo of me with her, to show the world her happy and healthy face, to have proof of her there with me. It was so vivid. I woke up exhausted.

* I got a new phone the other week, an HTC Droid. I am in love with this device. I was already in a very serious, almost unhealthy relationship with my old phone and now that I've upgraded to Verizon's version of the iPhone I am hopelessly committed to my tiny technology. A few weeks ago I had several friends in town and we did the massive brewery tour known as Ducks & Bears. At the first brewery I got up to get samples and while I was gone, my friends decided to hide my phone and see how long it took for me to notice. Verdict? 120 seconds. Actually it was about 45 seconds, but it took me those extra seconds to ask them about it. See? Possibly unhealthy.

* I'm trying to get better about being honest about how I feel. For a few years I've been trying to be someone who was more relaxed than I actually am, someone who was good with maybes and "let's see where this goes" and know what? I'm not. I'm terrible at that. No mas! I'm embracing my need for definition!

* I know I'm not too funny on my blog, but I swear I'm pretty funny in real life. At least I think I'm funny. I crack myself up every single day. I had a thought about Miami Sound Machine like four days ago that I'm still laughing about.

* My cubicle is a serious shitshow. I need to put away some files; it looks like a box of papers vomited all over my desk. That is both truthful and kinda metaphorical.

* Know what is a great damn song? "Alligator" by Tegan and Sara. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love those wonder twins. My current favorite song to play on guitar is "Call it Off" by them; the line "Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at" just kills me. Also: they are wicked funny.

* There is a game on my phone called Drop. Betsy currently has the high score between the two of us. I finally beat her last night but this morning she pulled ahead again. It is slightly embarrassing how badly I want to beat her at this (guess who needs a new hobby).

* Natalie Merchant, yes she of 10,000 Maniacs fame, is back with a new concept album and what I've heard of it I've really enjoyed. She's taken poems from the 19th and early 20th centuries and turned them into song. Check it out.

* I'm exchanging social media classes for free wine. I met the general manager of a local wine bar, talked to her about Twitter and here we are. Best idea ever.

* 29 is coming up quick. What do I do about that?

* Last week I had a speed Scrabble/margarita night with the ladies. These are entirely necessary and should happen as often as possible. I pulled muscles laughing. Please note: jahats is not a word. Ahem.

* Friday night my friend Andrew's band had a show at the Grey Eagle. It was fabulous. I was super impressed with their opening act, Boys of Summer. Reminds me of Hem with a dash of Innocence Mission. Check 'em. Seriously great.

* Saw this quote today from Madeline L'Engle and I love it: "Because you are not what I would have you be, I bind myself to who, in truth, you are." That sounds like what I suspect love is but I don't know.

* My father called me the other day to hear my analysis on the Redskins signing McNabb. I talked for 10 minutes straight about it and he said, "Yup, can always count on you for better analysis than the commentators." Football is a way we connect, a language we both speak, so that was a huge compliment.

* I'm missing people even when they are standing next to me. Is there a name for this?

* This blog is brought to you by the letter N and the number 9.

Drafty

I'm at work, it's a rainy day and you know what I've done today?
Watched the NFL draft on ESPN.com and yelled at the Redskins draft picks.
I mean I can't stand Dan Snyder anyway, but this draft seems to be all over the place.
And cross-checked my opinions with that of the Washington Post writer who kept up with the draft on his blog.
I'm a little obsessed.
Currently they have the 20th pick in the 6th round and I'd like to see the needs at DE addressed, but they did just draft a punter earlier this round so my head could explode.
And you wonder why I'm single...
Ok maybe I wonder why I'm single, ya'll can clearly tell.

(PS they didn't draft a DE like they needed, they drafted Colt Brennen from Hawaii, a great quarterback until he got eaten alive in the Senior Bowl by UGA. Not necessarily a bad pick, but still...D-Line people. Focus.)

Misc.

It's been a while!
Tidbits:

* I finally had the concept of post-modernism explained to me. I've never had a theology or philosophy class and it wasn't something taught in science lectures to be sure. Interesting. Now I'm trying to figure out how I feel about aboslutes, and I don't mean the vodka.

* Daniel Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, is trying to make my head explode. I think he is Jerry Jones (owner of the Cowboys) in a young Republican costume. I think he legitimately hates the Redskins and thus is trying to make them implode every year. That's the only conclusion I can come up with for his boneheaded moves.

* I'm also harboring bitterness toward the Green Bay Packers, for losing to the Giants and thus making me have to cheer for an NFC East rival. I don't want to cheer for Eli Manning. Darn you Brett Favre for putting me in that situation.

*My back has been crippingly painful as of late and it is maddening. I'm looking everywhere for reprieve.

* Went to Windy Gap for leftover lunch on Monday--I should visit more often. I had such a love/hate relationship during my internship there and now it's simply love. Those people are such blessings. Plus I get a lot of hugs. In hindsight I am so thankful for my tenure there.

* "LOST" last night...hmm...where are they going? What the heck? And I'm mourning Charlie. I really liked how far his character had come. And poor Claire.

* I'm re-reading "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. I sure do love that woman. It's balancing out "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris.

* I've been studying Daniel lately. In one of his prayers he says, "Do not hear us because we are righteous, but because of your mercy." reminds me that God doesn't hear us because of what we are or aren't, but because he loves us. Should be obvious. Totally isn't.

* There are several things I want to learn how to do, or get certified in: auto mechanic, pilot, EMT, professional driving, shoot a handgun, take self-defense, scuba dive. Maybe be fluent in another language. And learn to sew. I hate feeling helpless in situations.

* I finally got my NC license. The first one they gave me said my gender was male. Whoops.

* You know what is great? Pringles.

Tuesday Notes

• New Years was insane. But even being in the same room as Margarita, Rita and Jane seems to make everything better, so of course it was. And then there was this South African UN Pilot that played into the whole thing but that's what I'd like to call a side story.
  

• All of YL staff is currently in Orlando at the All-Staff conference, which is why I am currently watching Slappy and Homer, which means our little house has a pack of dogs running through it this week. Whoa boy.

• One of my favorite things about living in Asheville is breathing in the same air as some of the most creative, passionate and kind people I have ever met—people who believe creativity is not a hobby, but a lifestyle. I love this. It makes me feed my creative side, which very often has a serious case of stage-fright. When did a fear of rejection and failure override my sincere desire to simply create?

• Joe Gibbs resigned as head coach of the 'Skins yesterday. When he returned to the 'Skins in 2004 it was the closest thing I've ever experienced to Christ's return, and I say that without any sort of exaggeration or irony. I was at my dad's house and we watched the news on every channel, just to hear it be said again. Then we pulled out the VHS of the 'Skins Super Bowl run of 1992 and watched it. Ok, so I'm a bit of a fan. Whatever. To say I'm upset to lose him again is a bit of an understatement. I hate the owner of the 'Skins, so I can't wait to see how he messes this one up.
  

• Dear Seattle: I sort of hate you. For the second time in 3 years you knocked us out of the playoffs. Take your strong coffee, computer programs, fairy boats and grunge music and shove it. Your “Real World” season sucked.

• I won another t-shirt on a shout-out question at Quizzo on Monday. It was about the Wyoming primary, which no one paid attention to as it was only for the Republican side. I paid attention because of the presidential drinking game I have going on with about 12 people from college. Mixing politics, competition and drinking is a wonderful idea. Booyah. Drink for freedom, bitches.

What!?

So Sean Taylor, one of my favorite Redskins players, died this morning after sustaining a gunshot wound to his thigh during an attempted robbery at his home yesterday. Taylor was the anchor of the defense, the guy that would alter offensive schemes because he was in the game. It's a surprise and a crushing blow--I mean the guy just got engaged and had a 1-year-old daughter...he just got his life together, it seemed to just be starting. He was sort of the face of the franchise. So senseless. It does feel like I've lost a friend of sorts, someone I cheered for every week for the past 4 years. So weird to take it hard.

Not-So-Good...

So yesterday I had a bunch of time on my hands (as the Redskins blew what should have been a decisive win...WTF) and I started making random lists. These are two of them. Not saying they are hysterical, just entertaining. I got nuthin' goin', why not work on lists. Add to 'em if you want to.

Not-So-Good The Next Morning:
reheated Indian food
reheated rice
Tattoos
Haircuts
Rob Schneider movies
That wrestling match
Most anything that starts with “Hey! Watch THIS!”
Last night's high kick contest
Twister marathons
Blue glittery eyeshadow
5" Stripper Boots
Almost anything involving tequila

Probably Not So Good to Have Straight and Narrow:
race tracks
mazes
GLAAD presidents
lazy rivers
bras
Fun straws
small intestine

CRUSTY CRAB!

I wrote a post about my weekend, (which was original and amazing), but written down it was just sort of boring so I tossed it. I'm feeling repetitive and unoriginal. It's like when your father tells you the same story for the 4^th time; looses its freshness. I went out with friends! Martinis! Adventure! Redskins! Woohoo! That was it. Sometimes brevity peaks out and gives the world a raspberry before it goes back into the chest where verbosity normally keeps it locked up. See? Back to too many words.

So I realized my digital camera was also in my car when it was broken into, so if you thought I didn't post enough photos before...well, now I got nuthin'. Maybe I'll start depicting everything with little dot drawings like they have in the NYT. Or draw events like they do with courtroom painters. Maybe I'll do fingerpainting, Mfers. Oh well, camera was a graduation gift from my father—I needed a new camera, but it had great sentimental value to me. Of course I'm a packrat, everything has sentimental value in my sick sick mind.

Quizzo on Monday: Amazing. Possibly the best team ever. First off I won a shout out question (correct answer: “CRUSTY CRAB!”) so I got a Jack of the Wood t-shirt. THEN by the end of the second round we were in the top 3 teams. After the speed round (we kicked ASS on that one) we were one point from first place. Final round we tied for third—just two points from the winner. For this I blame the following: Kenny Lofton, Ethopia, Friday, Blake Edwards, Road to Rio, James Earl Carter, and all the other answers we got wrong. But that is the highest we've ever finished; go us. Thanks to all who made appearances. Remember: everyone is invited to Quizzo...unless you dated one of us. I've got standards.

I finally finished Mrs. Dalloway. Only took me a good six months to get around to finishing a book that is less than 200 pages, but now I feel like I need to go back and read it quickly; to make it all make sense. That was a dense read. Recommended if one has the time to give attention to every word or phrase as if it stood alone. And really, people were surprised that Virginia Woolf committed suicide? Really? Did they bother to read it? It's like people being shocked that Sylvia Plath killed herself—did ya read The Bell Jar? That's a new list right there: Obnoxiously Obvious Holy Shits. Holy shit George Michael is GAY? Clark Kent is Superman!? Bruce Willis is dead in “The Sixth Sense”!? RuPaul is a MAN!?

Go Skins

So my dear friend Brandt got drunk in a bar last night in Ashburn, VA. Ashburn is where most of the Redskins players live, so you see them around fairly often. I got a voice mail from Brandt telling me the Skins were in the bar with him and he was playing darts with Andre Carter...big #99 and was winning. Then this morning I get a message that Brandt gave my phone number to Jason Campbell, our star quarterback, and tried to set us up. He thinks we would be a great match.
I am perfectly ok with that.

Misc. Monday

* Friday night went and saw Chatham County Line (bluegrass) at Grey Eagle with fellow socialite Nate--the concert lasted til friggin' 12:45. We didn't leave there until, oh, 1:30 or so. Whoa. Great show, the banjo player looks like Kenneth from "30 Rock" but with a beard. Made me giggle the whole show.

* Saturday wrangled ropes for Windy Gap then sped home, packed in 5 minutes, picked up Andy (Katherine has a big gallery show next weekend and had to finish several prints so couldn't come) and headed to meet Nate out at Lake James for a camping adventure. I need to camp more. I love camping; it brings joy not much else brings. Simple joy.

* Note: don't pack for camping in 5 minutes. You forget a whole lot.

* Food Nate brought: bratwurst, bacon, lamb chops, corned beef hash, eggs, cheese, bread and some potatoes. Meatfest 2k7. No wonder my face keeps breaking out.

* Sunday we left camping and drove straight to the Beir Garden to watch the 'Skins KILL the Lions. I was in the same clothes I'd been wearing for two days, I smelled like campfire and I was sitting in a bar, watching football with three friends. Priorities people, priorities.

* Today is my little sister's 14th birthday. Having her in my life is the greatest blessing I could have ever imagined. If any boy hurts her I will kill him.

* Saturday night Nate and I had a "discussion" about the place of wonder in a world full of science. I said I love having things in my life that I don't know the science behind; he said that was voluntary ignorance. He's also an engineer. Sometimes science can suck the mystery out of an experience. I never want love to become just a combination of pheromones, situations and chemistry. I never want to lose the art that is the science of creation.