A Wider Lens

So control freakishnes...still on that topic. This characteristic in me may be my biggest weakness when it comes to relationships, because of the tie in between control and vunerability. The dreaded V word! I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day about broken relationships--regardless if they are with a significant other, a friend or family they have one underlying thing in common--they can all teach you something about yourself that you could not have learned from any other person at any other time. It's a unique and extremely personal lesson and thus seems almost worth the pain such breakups saturate upon an individual's psyche. I should be quick to note that such insights into those more subtle of life's lessons are not immediate--rather, time filters emotion into objectivity. I firmly agree with my friend--that each relationship has a personal lesson to teach and a potential path to effect growth--and that growth can be positive or negative. Do I fear relationships? A bit yes. Do I desire a relationship? I don't know. I guess. I'm not burning in anticipation and the timing is off, so it's the perfect time to fall for someone. I will remain on my course and see what pops up--and in the meantime keep learning from those who are around me.

awwww FREAKOUT!

My best friend divulged a major observative revelation she had seen in me today: I am a major control freak. I know those of you who know me well are thinking, "Well...YEAH. DUH." but bear with me. She explained her reasoning for that conclusion and for the most part I wholeheartedly agreed (and chuckled). However I want to say that the reason I am the way that I am is not because I am a product of a certain family environment or hostile experience but rather that it is part of my personality--it is nature rather than nuture. But then I think about that desired influence and think, "Is that just another characteristic of my control freakish nature, or do I acutally believe that? Is it both?" I wish I could pinpoint the watershed of control in my life, but I cannot. It seems to deep and vast to possibly trace back to its source!
But I enjoy my control freak character--it fits me well, and does me well. It looks good on a resume, tends to leave a pretty positive first impression and gets me places on time. It's given me my hobbies, my collections, my tastes and my humor--it has done me well in all realms but the relationship department. There is where it needs to back off and let whomever is behind that fortress step out and brave that portion of the world. I am not there yet, so I am single. What will it take? I don't know now, but I sure hope I will.

Cold as Ice

A thought for the day: The subzero artic is considered a desert because of how little precipitation falls each year; it gets the same as places like the African Sahara. The amount of usable water is so limited, however the land is located under multiple feet of ice and snow. Acutal land is buried under these feet upon feet of frozen water! It has an overwhelming source of forms of the valuable water, but it (the climate and megafauna, etc--the ecology) does not have the resources to access that source in a way that would be usable. Because that ability is not there, that source is deemed virtually useless. How many times do I feel like that? That I may have the resources, talent or ability to do something, achieve something or try something, yet I lack the ability to access that resource is a useful way. Does personal fear work to hamper my use? Probably. But I'm waiting for my heatwave to come along. Or must I start it on my own? Bust out of my own ozone and melt out what I could be? I know I left an aerosol can of CFCs around here somewhere...

"I Know What Kind of Love This is..."

My Valentine's day was nearly perfect...and I am single. Now Valentine's day for us single folks usually falls under such endearing titles such as "Black Friday", or "Singles Awareness Day" but this year the day seemed entirely different. It was not a time for self-consciousess to the point of paranoia or an atmosphere of lonliness to hang unbearably heavy on my shoulders. Rather, it was fun. I had to be at work at 7:30am w/Margie and Caroline, and working with two of my favorite people can make even Friday mornings enjoyable. Then I run to the writing center to work for a bit, then to the Symposium on teaching and learning with a roundtable discussion with various department heads, professors and grad students. Beneficial for me to see and experience. Then a meeting with Leah and Caroline for a workshop we are teaching--that was fun because Leah is in a new relationship and its still at the cute and elated phase, so the dozen roses in her office sent all of us into a tizzy. Headed home to pack for the weekend trip when Caroline asks if I own a blender. This question sprials into Dylan, Caroline and I (the ultimate non-sexual trio--I mean with each other we are non-sexual) heading to Johnny's for a large pizza then back to Caroline's for what turned out to be maple whiskey milkshakes, which tasted a bit like Kaluaha. We had one each and left there feeling full and happy. Then it was time for the Vagina Monologues at SU. We ran into several friends and had quite a large, rowdy group of us in the middle back. Reading the pamphlet Caroline and I discover our mutual friend Sam is also in the monologues, an observation that delights me greatly--I haven't seen her in almost a year. The lights go down and the play begins. It was wonderful--I'm not typically a huge vagina discusser, but it did elicit various emotions, of which sheer delight was the most prevelant. Highly recommended, to women and men alike. Afterwards I went home, finished packing and went to sleep.
What Valentime's Day did was show how much I value the time I have with my friends here. Instead of spending it with just one person who mattered I got a slew of those I simply adore, and that was a blessing. I got a Valentine's Day card from my father, and it almost brought me to tears. He sends me one each year and that little gesture means the world to me, it's amazing to hear or see that someones loves you, and to actually know that its totally true. I am a daddy's girl, through and through.

The Frustrations of Being Human

Romans 7:15,18 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (follow that?)...I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." I guess recently I have fully felt the frustrations of being human--of messing up, of embarassing myself, of miscommunication, of other people's shortcomings, of setting a standard in your life that you could never reach on your own--on my own. Again and again this struggle arises, and again and again I seem to stumble and fall over it. Situations I have not properly dealt with in the past pop up again--and again I realize how much my heart and actions seem to conflict. So much recent stuff reminds me of struggles and fights with my parents and so my reaction wants to be eerily similar. It cannot be, and it terrifies me how it reverts back there so easily--I feel almost like a trapped 16 year-old, and fight or flight takes over.
In recent times my religious beliefs have been slandered by others who wanted to incite something in me (it worked), and only in hindsight did I realize what a testament that was--they knew it was important enough to me in my life and was big enough to bother them that they verbalized that! wow! that's almost awesome! It caused an ephiany--thoughout college I've felt pressured to be as complacent and quiet about what I believed, for fear that I may offend others with my personal expressions (by this I do not mean soapbox tirades, but small expressions like verses in my AIM profile...minor things here) so they have laid dormant for the sake of acceptance and peace. And that dormacy is not quietly standing for something but in a way it's claiming to stand for nothing. It's fear. And I've realized that if I will stand up when my God is mocked outright, why will I not speak up when he is belittled in daily conversation? I dunno. I am human, and that pisses the heck out of me more often than not. "But for the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace in me was not without effect." -1 Cor. 15:10