So earlier I posted about being ok with rejection and I mean that. But as I've thought about it more I've gotten just a tad (a smidgen if you will) bitter about the whole thing. I was venting to my roommate about it earlier; how it seems that God almost takes pleasure in watching me get worked up in things and then yanking it away from me at the last moment. How many trips, and relationships, and adventures and hopes have been allowed to grow and feed and mature, only to be plucked on the eve of their blossom? And I pray about it, I really do. I give it up and give it up and give it up only to have it return like an unwanted boomerang. I don't get it. If it's not going to happen I'd like to know so I don't waste my time and energy. If it's God's will that's fine, just a flippin' heads up would be nice. Like right now I've been getting distracted by the same damn thing for a year and a half, and it's just been a drawn out maybe. Every time I try to give up on it the yes door squeeks open just enough to let a little bit through, and I'm thrown back into the wating and wondering. It's like a life of endless yellow lights, where even a red light would be welcomed if only to have something definite. It's getting really old, and it makes me yearn for another time when the only will that mattered was mine.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
Shot Down
First off, Weirdly-Named Towns of NY:
Amagansett
Antwerp
Cahoonzie
Asharoken
Anyway, hi kiddies, how are ya. I know that was supposed to be a question mark, but it was said in a manner more befitting a period. So today is a day off (finally) and I'm pouring through all this grad school/GRE stuff, trying to make sense of what the mother I want to do in my future. This whole process (especially in creative writing) is so...vunerable. I'm realizing that my future, in order to get where I want to go, is going to include a whole truckload of rejection. I have said that I'd like to be ok with rejection but I never have been too good at it. I'm so afraid of failure that oftentimes I've turned down opportunities just so I wouldn't experience that potential letdown. How sad. This year I said I was going to embrace sucking at things, and rejection is part of sucking at things, so that's my plan. It's all about worth in its own way. I sincerely want to see my worth in things less ephermeral and more and more in the love I have in Christ; so easily said, so difficultly done. (Is difficultly a word? I just made it one. It's an adverb. Use it today.) With all that said, here's a question: How does self-confidence and worth in Christ intermingle? If I believe that apart from Christ I can do nothing, then what exactly is self-confidence anyway?
Regardless, to sum up: I'm going to put myself out there a lot and get rejected a lot in the coming months. I'm going to go out there, write my best and suck at it most of the time. But my worth will not diminish. I think.
This was a personal peptalk if you couldn't tell. Go team.
Amagansett
Antwerp
Cahoonzie
Asharoken
Anyway, hi kiddies, how are ya. I know that was supposed to be a question mark, but it was said in a manner more befitting a period. So today is a day off (finally) and I'm pouring through all this grad school/GRE stuff, trying to make sense of what the mother I want to do in my future. This whole process (especially in creative writing) is so...vunerable. I'm realizing that my future, in order to get where I want to go, is going to include a whole truckload of rejection. I have said that I'd like to be ok with rejection but I never have been too good at it. I'm so afraid of failure that oftentimes I've turned down opportunities just so I wouldn't experience that potential letdown. How sad. This year I said I was going to embrace sucking at things, and rejection is part of sucking at things, so that's my plan. It's all about worth in its own way. I sincerely want to see my worth in things less ephermeral and more and more in the love I have in Christ; so easily said, so difficultly done. (Is difficultly a word? I just made it one. It's an adverb. Use it today.) With all that said, here's a question: How does self-confidence and worth in Christ intermingle? If I believe that apart from Christ I can do nothing, then what exactly is self-confidence anyway?
Regardless, to sum up: I'm going to put myself out there a lot and get rejected a lot in the coming months. I'm going to go out there, write my best and suck at it most of the time. But my worth will not diminish. I think.
This was a personal peptalk if you couldn't tell. Go team.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Live From Another Weird-Spelling Town
I've only spent one Thanksgiving at home in the past five years, so I really shouldn't surprised in the least that I'm not there right now. I'm in Canastota, NY with my friend's family. (NY has some funny named towns, don't they? One day I'll make a list of them, to make all you VA people laugh. Here's the list for the day: Oswego, Otsego, Owego. Weird).
The logical blog would talk about what I'm thankful for, being that it's Thanksgiving and all, but being one who likes to buck tradition and expectatation I plan to do no such thing. Last Thankgiving (the only one in VA) I was a little bitter about family for some reason and wrote a song about it, and to be totally honest it's not too flattering but now I sing it every time I think about the holiday. See? When I am there I'm unhappy about it and when I'm not I miss them like crazy. Grass is always greener, or the turkey is always jucier or whatever the saying is.
It's starting to sink in that I really won't be home for Christmas and I'm starting to panic in a way. It could be good for me, but at the same time this year has been kinda tough and any sort of familiarity would be greatly appreciated. Of course on the 23rd is Booyah Bowling 2 in Oneida (other funny town!) with Dylan and friends and that promises to spice up the holidays a little bit.
It's always funny going home with friends for holidays, because I genuinely want to help but don't know how or who to ask, so I usually end up watching football with the other exteneded relatives and eating a meal I had no hand in making.
(Chorus of the song, just cause I know you were wondering:
I'll pass the potatoes/I'll pass the stuffing/I'll pass on the option to get down over nothing/but the food will be great and the photos won't show/the places and scars even families won't go.." yeah I was happy.)
The logical blog would talk about what I'm thankful for, being that it's Thanksgiving and all, but being one who likes to buck tradition and expectatation I plan to do no such thing. Last Thankgiving (the only one in VA) I was a little bitter about family for some reason and wrote a song about it, and to be totally honest it's not too flattering but now I sing it every time I think about the holiday. See? When I am there I'm unhappy about it and when I'm not I miss them like crazy. Grass is always greener, or the turkey is always jucier or whatever the saying is.
It's starting to sink in that I really won't be home for Christmas and I'm starting to panic in a way. It could be good for me, but at the same time this year has been kinda tough and any sort of familiarity would be greatly appreciated. Of course on the 23rd is Booyah Bowling 2 in Oneida (other funny town!) with Dylan and friends and that promises to spice up the holidays a little bit.
It's always funny going home with friends for holidays, because I genuinely want to help but don't know how or who to ask, so I usually end up watching football with the other exteneded relatives and eating a meal I had no hand in making.
(Chorus of the song, just cause I know you were wondering:
I'll pass the potatoes/I'll pass the stuffing/I'll pass on the option to get down over nothing/but the food will be great and the photos won't show/the places and scars even families won't go.." yeah I was happy.)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
2 makes 1
Recently I've been thinking about how my dreams and God's plans never seem to coincide and I'm wondering how to reconcile that. Right now I have a lot of dreams and plans; I'm mapping out the next two, three years of my life and I'm trying to figure out how to see God's plan in it, if it's there at all. He's good at hiding it. I just want the two to become one. How to change my heart...
Today is a day off to try to fix money stuff (as if it could be fixed in a day. Ha!) research grad schools, find out when to take the GREs, work on my portfolio and finish up the "Best/Worst of 2K4" list. I figured it's the easiest way to summarize the whole year, but what do I know. I think the end of the year breeds in me this desire for a better next year, and I hope I'm sincere about my desires for 2k5.
Today is a day off to try to fix money stuff (as if it could be fixed in a day. Ha!) research grad schools, find out when to take the GREs, work on my portfolio and finish up the "Best/Worst of 2K4" list. I figured it's the easiest way to summarize the whole year, but what do I know. I think the end of the year breeds in me this desire for a better next year, and I hope I'm sincere about my desires for 2k5.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Another Logical Conclusion
First I'd like to apologize for my last post, as it was pathetic, incomplete and disjointed, and henceforth I will only write if I actually think I may have a fragment of a complete thought.
That being said, today I continuted my church shopping quest (today's church was OK, but need better worship, more people my age, and better seats. Bonus: preaching was good, it was very closeto home) and came home, starving. Now church wasn't that long and I had eaten breakfast before I left, but it seemed time for lunch.
So I ate a lot.
Then, since I'm in New Flippin' York and they don't believe in showing the Redskins game (reason #342 I want to move back toward LoCo) I decided to read and take a nap.
Got up at 4, starving again.
So I ate.
A lot.
Again.
Then Suzy decided we should do a puzzle (cuz we are uber exciting, young, single women...) so we sat around and worked on that.
AND I COULDN'T STOP EATING.
Like the list of things I've eaten today is ridiculous and I haven't stopped since 4, and it's nearly midnight.
Wings? yup.
Pizza? uhuh.
Peanut Butter and jelly? check.
Pasta? gotcha.
it keeps going.
So I figured out what it is, a conclusion any rational person would come to: I must have a tapeworm that is eating all my food.
I'm strangely ok with my tapeworm that I may or may not have, but he is rather expensive to feed, so maybe I'm not up to the level of responsibility necessary to successfuly raise a tapeworm. I should start with something a bit easier (and more cuddily) like a dog, or hamster or even a hermit crab and work my way up to tapeworm status.
Anyway, must finish eating
That being said, today I continuted my church shopping quest (today's church was OK, but need better worship, more people my age, and better seats. Bonus: preaching was good, it was very closeto home) and came home, starving. Now church wasn't that long and I had eaten breakfast before I left, but it seemed time for lunch.
So I ate a lot.
Then, since I'm in New Flippin' York and they don't believe in showing the Redskins game (reason #342 I want to move back toward LoCo) I decided to read and take a nap.
Got up at 4, starving again.
So I ate.
A lot.
Again.
Then Suzy decided we should do a puzzle (cuz we are uber exciting, young, single women...) so we sat around and worked on that.
AND I COULDN'T STOP EATING.
Like the list of things I've eaten today is ridiculous and I haven't stopped since 4, and it's nearly midnight.
Wings? yup.
Pizza? uhuh.
Peanut Butter and jelly? check.
Pasta? gotcha.
it keeps going.
So I figured out what it is, a conclusion any rational person would come to: I must have a tapeworm that is eating all my food.
I'm strangely ok with my tapeworm that I may or may not have, but he is rather expensive to feed, so maybe I'm not up to the level of responsibility necessary to successfuly raise a tapeworm. I should start with something a bit easier (and more cuddily) like a dog, or hamster or even a hermit crab and work my way up to tapeworm status.
Anyway, must finish eating
Friday, November 19, 2004
Words to Live By
You thought I was going to say something so insightful and deep that it would indeed be words to live by. Ha! Sucka.
Today's blog is going to talk about the words and ideas that others have said or written that we choose to base our lives around. This thought comes after complaining to Liz that I had nothing to say today because I really didn't do much today. Looked at grad schools online, got a car wash, read stuff, hung my curtain rod...see? BOR-ING.
So back to words to live by.
One of my favorite quotes that I try to emulate is from Emily Sailers of the Indigo Girls: "You have to laugh at yourself, because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." It's so difficult to remember to laugh at the struggles you wrestled with at one time, the mistakes you've made or even the outfits you've worn. Verses are good too. I've always loved 1 Thessalonians 4:11
"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
Do I live this? No. I don't know even where to begin to lead a quiet life, but I'm working at it and I'm laughing at myself.
At least I can say I am, for this is a blog and you just have to believe me.
Ha! Sucka.
That's it for my thought. I'm done. I'm spent. I'm sleeping.
Today's blog is going to talk about the words and ideas that others have said or written that we choose to base our lives around. This thought comes after complaining to Liz that I had nothing to say today because I really didn't do much today. Looked at grad schools online, got a car wash, read stuff, hung my curtain rod...see? BOR-ING.
So back to words to live by.
One of my favorite quotes that I try to emulate is from Emily Sailers of the Indigo Girls: "You have to laugh at yourself, because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." It's so difficult to remember to laugh at the struggles you wrestled with at one time, the mistakes you've made or even the outfits you've worn. Verses are good too. I've always loved 1 Thessalonians 4:11
"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."
Do I live this? No. I don't know even where to begin to lead a quiet life, but I'm working at it and I'm laughing at myself.
At least I can say I am, for this is a blog and you just have to believe me.
Ha! Sucka.
That's it for my thought. I'm done. I'm spent. I'm sleeping.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Liberal Christian Morals (if that's possible)
The beautiful thing about my ridiculous commute is the time for possible phone conversations. Today I had the opportunity to catch up with my friend Sarah, who just returned from a tour of Europe. I met Sarah at Saranac this summer--she was the one who read all applications and is partly responsible for accepting me onto summer staff. Well in the "Strengths and Weaknesses" section of the application I tried to be very honest and put down as a weakness "Don't particularly like a lot of Christians" which is very true. Well I guess she thought it was hilarious and we've been friends ever since. We're both of the extremely rare "Christian liberal" breed, and were lamenting over our lack of peers in that department. You know, someone I can pray with, then go grab a beer at a local pub and talk politics. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of voting for "morals"--as if voting against someone was voting against morals themselves; as if one person embodied all morals. I am seriously flabbergasted by the notion---I guess I need it explained to me because I am seriously dumbfounded. Like if you have some way to explain this to me, by all means, do it. I give up. I don't get it.
Regardless, it was simply great to talk to another Christian who was as distraught as I.
What are morals anyway?
I vote for caring for the poor, for better education, for jobs for the working class and against unjust war--how does that make me less moral? I love Jesus, work to protect his creation, want equal rights for all citizens and believe that love, grace and mercy can do far more than aggression, rhetoric and fear, but I am less?
How can fear and faith coincide in the discourse of the president?
Enough--my blood pressure is starting to rise...
Regardless, it was simply great to talk to another Christian who was as distraught as I.
What are morals anyway?
I vote for caring for the poor, for better education, for jobs for the working class and against unjust war--how does that make me less moral? I love Jesus, work to protect his creation, want equal rights for all citizens and believe that love, grace and mercy can do far more than aggression, rhetoric and fear, but I am less?
How can fear and faith coincide in the discourse of the president?
Enough--my blood pressure is starting to rise...
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Enjoy The Veal
Now a guest post from my dear friend Lizzie, who sent me this email as a fake live journal. I shall make all her dreams come true by posting it here:
i am at the library and feel like i want to spit stuff out, but am too lazy/not up for the task of creating a livejournal at the moment for the following reasons:
-should be working on paper
-feel fat
-i hate this paper
-don't have the energy for
-worrying about censoring b/c am in minstry so therefore am an example
-making a name that is clever without appearing to be trying too hard
-nothing clever coming to mind that isn't grotesquely annoying or unoriginal
-examples: nothingclever, an american in london (for future references...that's probably the low point when i realized i was not worthy of a livejournal)
ok, so i was looking into buying a syracuse is oranges shirt b/c in the last year or so i've had more cuse pride than ever in my life. guess it's b/c i'm leaving it. anyways, got looking at joe cassera's website through it and looked at the pics of his girlfriend. i'm sorry if this is getting personal, i just need to vent. it's nothing personal about him, i mean, personally, i don't really know him, seems like a nice guy, am using him to represent all species similar to himself. i know his last 3 girlfriends, before this last one. like, know them well in respects to this one boy they all have in common. the poor girl in the middle i think was a rebound. he hasn't spoken to the first one, who has been engaged since the spring, the last one broke up with him after kissing another boy while she was studying abroad in spain (kudos to kissing in spain...not the infidelity). so there's a little background...here's my beef: Don't people get tired??? Jumping boyfriend to boyfriend, girlfriend to girlfriend. each relationship seems to be just as deep and interesting and passionate as the previous. doesn't their back hurt from the baggage, from having an entire freaking uhaul attached to their butt? do people not see or not care? given, all very attractive people. but what?! do they have chocolate flavored lips and a strawberry tongue? (disclaimer: if they really do, sign me up. also, this whole email is negated b/c that's pretty effin cool and i'd want to use it if i were them too...especially if i could only taste it while other people were. well, i guess you could get sick of it...many flaws....must invest further thought...)
so yeah....that's the thing. does girl #4 feel special? i'm talking #4 serious since college. i'm talking full name (including middle...which annoys me anyways, therefore i will be more harsh) and big color pictures on one's website devoted entirely to this #4. is there something to be said about a person who is never single? what about a person who is always single? can i turn this in instead of my paper? i think i might try.is the big photo mantage necessary? is it a proclamation of affection or merely a tool to bite the thumb at the ex? i mean, how do people get over the past relationship so fast? i don't think they do. it's gotta build up, hence the uhaul. i'm thinking eventually it will no longer be a trailor, but an actual truck that they just drive around in before they know it. lucky that orange is so hot right now. by then is it too late? i think it would need some serious thinking. like, i totally thought i was over eric quickly, but i know if i had dated anyone this summer, it would have totally been bogus (like his rebound....sucka). i have/had more thoughts, but since my head is generally cloudy (i did grow up in syracuse....just thought of that, analogy makes me happy) i have lost most of it.
thanks for coming, enjoy the veal.
(i know, very unoriginal....especially convicted since am studying cezanne and stein currently)
current mood: annoyed
current music: norah jones radio on norahjones.com...discovery of the
week
i am at the library and feel like i want to spit stuff out, but am too lazy/not up for the task of creating a livejournal at the moment for the following reasons:
-should be working on paper
-feel fat
-i hate this paper
-don't have the energy for
-worrying about censoring b/c am in minstry so therefore am an example
-making a name that is clever without appearing to be trying too hard
-nothing clever coming to mind that isn't grotesquely annoying or unoriginal
-examples: nothingclever, an american in london (for future references...that's probably the low point when i realized i was not worthy of a livejournal)
ok, so i was looking into buying a syracuse is oranges shirt b/c in the last year or so i've had more cuse pride than ever in my life. guess it's b/c i'm leaving it. anyways, got looking at joe cassera's website through it and looked at the pics of his girlfriend. i'm sorry if this is getting personal, i just need to vent. it's nothing personal about him, i mean, personally, i don't really know him, seems like a nice guy, am using him to represent all species similar to himself. i know his last 3 girlfriends, before this last one. like, know them well in respects to this one boy they all have in common. the poor girl in the middle i think was a rebound. he hasn't spoken to the first one, who has been engaged since the spring, the last one broke up with him after kissing another boy while she was studying abroad in spain (kudos to kissing in spain...not the infidelity). so there's a little background...here's my beef: Don't people get tired??? Jumping boyfriend to boyfriend, girlfriend to girlfriend. each relationship seems to be just as deep and interesting and passionate as the previous. doesn't their back hurt from the baggage, from having an entire freaking uhaul attached to their butt? do people not see or not care? given, all very attractive people. but what?! do they have chocolate flavored lips and a strawberry tongue? (disclaimer: if they really do, sign me up. also, this whole email is negated b/c that's pretty effin cool and i'd want to use it if i were them too...especially if i could only taste it while other people were. well, i guess you could get sick of it...many flaws....must invest further thought...)
so yeah....that's the thing. does girl #4 feel special? i'm talking #4 serious since college. i'm talking full name (including middle...which annoys me anyways, therefore i will be more harsh) and big color pictures on one's website devoted entirely to this #4. is there something to be said about a person who is never single? what about a person who is always single? can i turn this in instead of my paper? i think i might try.is the big photo mantage necessary? is it a proclamation of affection or merely a tool to bite the thumb at the ex? i mean, how do people get over the past relationship so fast? i don't think they do. it's gotta build up, hence the uhaul. i'm thinking eventually it will no longer be a trailor, but an actual truck that they just drive around in before they know it. lucky that orange is so hot right now. by then is it too late? i think it would need some serious thinking. like, i totally thought i was over eric quickly, but i know if i had dated anyone this summer, it would have totally been bogus (like his rebound....sucka). i have/had more thoughts, but since my head is generally cloudy (i did grow up in syracuse....just thought of that, analogy makes me happy) i have lost most of it.
thanks for coming, enjoy the veal.
(i know, very unoriginal....especially convicted since am studying cezanne and stein currently)
current mood: annoyed
current music: norah jones radio on norahjones.com...discovery of the
week
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Three lives, One Day
November 16th is a heady day for three cataclysmic reasons:
(1) Today would have been my friend Jeff's 24th birthday.
(2) Today is the day my dear Sassafras died after nearly 19 years of living with me
(3) Today is the day, in 1996, that I accepted Christ.
See what I mean? A celebratory day for a life lost too early, the end of a great and powerful saga, and the birth of life eternal. Now what am I to say about any of that? It's the very epitome of bittersweet.
I mourn for Jeff and Sassy; I praise God for another year with Him.
What a fragile day.
(1) Today would have been my friend Jeff's 24th birthday.
(2) Today is the day my dear Sassafras died after nearly 19 years of living with me
(3) Today is the day, in 1996, that I accepted Christ.
See what I mean? A celebratory day for a life lost too early, the end of a great and powerful saga, and the birth of life eternal. Now what am I to say about any of that? It's the very epitome of bittersweet.
I mourn for Jeff and Sassy; I praise God for another year with Him.
What a fragile day.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Friday, November 12, 2004
10 hours, no words
Sometimes I worry that I'm getting too introspective in this blog; that I find these huge, rehortical questions to ask myself and all those reading this and never come up with any conclusions. I worry because that's pretty much what I do. At least I can state the obvious.
So the other day I was complaining about working retail, a job that, I must admit, I really don't like. There is something horrific about being gone for 9-10 hours and having nothing to show for it. An old John Prine lyric asks, "How the hell can a person go to work in the morning/come home in the evening and have nothin' to say?" For example, today I spent at least four hours refolding and resizing a wall of pants, then spent the remaining time folding sweaters that I folded last week. At the same time I need to be thankful for the job God has given me--it pays pretty well, gives me insurance and is easy to get time off when I need it. It is where I'm supposed to be at this time, and I need to stop bitching about wanting to see the next step and simply revel in the miracles and lessons I'm experiencing now.
And why do they call a job "making a living" like it's made out of play dough or something....
Tomorrow my dear friend Raijiv is coming out to stay for the night--he is like my big brother, and the love that I have for him may be eclipsed only by the regard in which I hold him. I look forward to a night on the town with Raijiv and friends, as I have virtually no friends and nothing to do most nights (feel pity for me now....keep feeling it...hold it....ok stop).
Speaking of friends today I got a surprise package from my boss from camp, Anna. Inside was a homemade shirt that says, "I may run with scissors but you voted for GW" and the back reads, "choose risks wisely" I literally fell over laughing. It's genius. Made my day.
So the other day I was complaining about working retail, a job that, I must admit, I really don't like. There is something horrific about being gone for 9-10 hours and having nothing to show for it. An old John Prine lyric asks, "How the hell can a person go to work in the morning/come home in the evening and have nothin' to say?" For example, today I spent at least four hours refolding and resizing a wall of pants, then spent the remaining time folding sweaters that I folded last week. At the same time I need to be thankful for the job God has given me--it pays pretty well, gives me insurance and is easy to get time off when I need it. It is where I'm supposed to be at this time, and I need to stop bitching about wanting to see the next step and simply revel in the miracles and lessons I'm experiencing now.
And why do they call a job "making a living" like it's made out of play dough or something....
Tomorrow my dear friend Raijiv is coming out to stay for the night--he is like my big brother, and the love that I have for him may be eclipsed only by the regard in which I hold him. I look forward to a night on the town with Raijiv and friends, as I have virtually no friends and nothing to do most nights (feel pity for me now....keep feeling it...hold it....ok stop).
Speaking of friends today I got a surprise package from my boss from camp, Anna. Inside was a homemade shirt that says, "I may run with scissors but you voted for GW" and the back reads, "choose risks wisely" I literally fell over laughing. It's genius. Made my day.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Shopping from Hell
One of the inevitable and oftentimes excruciating ordeals one may face after a move is the dreaded "where to go to church" situation. Shopping for a church is not that at all--oh no, shopping would be bliss--it sounds too nice and does not begin to address the countless nametags, bad coffee, handshakes, and bulletins that come with touring churches. And how the heck are you to know what its going to be like? You don't know, it's a big ol' mystery til you're in there. It could be compared to trying to find a new doctor but not being allowed to know what sort of medicine he/she specializes in, or what kind of insurance they accept or how good they are at what they do--you just have to make the appointment and show up. uuuuugh. And of course if you are by yourself so you are just a blaring target for those overly-cheery greeters to attempt the same small talk OVER AND OVER again. It's just all around awkward. I need to do it but I'm dreading it (if this hasn't been evident yet, you are blind). I'm trying to find a way to enjoy it.
Tuesday, November 9, 2004
I'm Jealous so Should You
My friends Kristina, Erin and Beth, who are all interns for YL in LoCo, have started their own live journal. I feel this may become one of the funniest websites I'll ever see. Ok it may only be funny if you know them, but to me it's already hysterical.
Tres Amigas.
I love you girls and I miss you like crazy!
Tres Amigas.
I love you girls and I miss you like crazy!
Monday, November 8, 2004
The Revelator
Working retail has its rewards; mindless tasks create open hours to simply think. Today's thought: It's absolutely amazing how a successful writer can seem to reveal so much about themselves when in reality they reveal nothing. The ability to seem to divulge inner delicacies while never saying enough to be vunerable--wow. I wonder if its something that is done subconsciously or whether it is intentional. I think about this blog journal, two years in the making. How much have I actually divulged and how much has simply been the shavings off a deeper block of truth? I want to be open, I want to be upfront, but I don't quite get what my purpose in that is. Approval? Do I seek to make myself a caricature of myself? I've heard it said that a person is made up of three things: who they are, who they think they are, and who other people see them being. Do these ever coincide? Does time reveal it all? Great, now I've got Gillian Welch's Time (The Revelator) stuck in my head...
Sidebar:
Today I remembered how much I love Austin City Limits. I am a dork that way I guess but holy crap do they have amazing guests on that show.
Other sidebar:
It snowed today. First snow of the season. I hate snow. I hate cold. Why did I move north? (Did you like I started this post being introspective and ended it talking about the weather? Nice touch, eh?)
Sidebar:
Today I remembered how much I love Austin City Limits. I am a dork that way I guess but holy crap do they have amazing guests on that show.
Other sidebar:
It snowed today. First snow of the season. I hate snow. I hate cold. Why did I move north? (Did you like I started this post being introspective and ended it talking about the weather? Nice touch, eh?)
Pass it On
We got to church a little late this morning--attribute it to a late, lonely night and a sincere desire to not face today. Sat in the very back with the rest of the tardy parishioners...I don't particularly like churches, never have. I get nervous and distracted, and end up leaving more stressed than I was when I walked in--not the desired outcome of time spent in a house of God, but what can ya do. This morning there was this little girl about 3 years old in front of me. During the worship her father held her, so she was staring over his shoulder...right at me. We made eye contact; I smiled. She smiled. As we sat back down, I realized something: as much as I have no desire to have children, nor do I possess any sort of maternal instinct, if I do not have children my father will never be a biological grandfather. My father's gene's will die with me. I do not want kids because they'd be a part of me, I'd want them because they'd be a part of him. It's the same reason I'd want a traditional-sort of wedding: so my dad can give me away. It's a bit cheesy I know, but it matters to me to see him proud and happy. I don't know why this came up today. I mean I still don't want children, but I guess that epiphany adds a bit of sadness to the whole thing.
Saturday, November 6, 2004
Ambivelance
Ambivelance
Jotted down in my journal very late last night...
Friend exasperated, "Is there anything you don't have strong opinions about?" Immediate response: Yes there are!!! Actual truth: very little. I am very passionate but that a good thing or not. I get worked up in just about anything. So what are the endearing qualities of ambivelance? There's the the initial and obvious "don't rock the boat" quality, which I see as cowardly, lazy and utterly unpatriotic (not that I have an opinion on the matter). Where is the distinction, I wonder, between open-mindedness and ambilvelance? Mostly in the eye of the beholder; its all about perception....
more to come.
Jotted down in my journal very late last night...
Friend exasperated, "Is there anything you don't have strong opinions about?" Immediate response: Yes there are!!! Actual truth: very little. I am very passionate but that a good thing or not. I get worked up in just about anything. So what are the endearing qualities of ambivelance? There's the the initial and obvious "don't rock the boat" quality, which I see as cowardly, lazy and utterly unpatriotic (not that I have an opinion on the matter). Where is the distinction, I wonder, between open-mindedness and ambilvelance? Mostly in the eye of the beholder; its all about perception....
more to come.
Monday, November 1, 2004
T'was the Night before Chaos
T'was the Night before Chaos
If halloween is the eve of today, and today is the eve of Election Day, what should today be called? Is it absolutely pathetic I'm even thinking of such things?
I am excited to have this election over, but I fear it won't be over for several weeks, like last time. I have to say, the 2000 election was not what one would call a warm reception to the civic duty of voting--if ever it was obvious that the popular vote didn't matter, that'd be it. I've already voted in this election (absentee), so I don't even get a sticker, which kind of makes the process feel a little incomplete. No lever, no booth, no old people, no sticker. I feel a bit gipped.
In the Post today there was an article about faith-based voting, and its place and purpose in our society. The author is a Christian and made a valid point: In the bible, God calls for concern for the poor over 2,000 times, yet scripture mentions homosexuality less than a dozen times. Why is it, then, that gay marriage is the religious election issue this year? It makes no sense, really. Saddens me to think that a Presidental election has been hacked away into something as ignorant as having a canidate more endorsed by "God" than another--how does God endorse someone anyway? Through the church? History will tell us that that's a load of hooey--remember the whole "slavery is biblical" argument, and the "women shouldn't vote", and the "left-handed women are witches" thing? Yeah, there's a reason there's a separation between church and state, people. It's not to protect the churches, it's to protect the state...and voting left-handed black women.
P.S. This past Sunday's game is the only time in history when it's ok to hope the Redskins lose a game. Boys, I'm sorry I cheered against you, but if the prediction is true I'll cheer extra hard for the next 4-8 years. Go Skins!
If halloween is the eve of today, and today is the eve of Election Day, what should today be called? Is it absolutely pathetic I'm even thinking of such things?
I am excited to have this election over, but I fear it won't be over for several weeks, like last time. I have to say, the 2000 election was not what one would call a warm reception to the civic duty of voting--if ever it was obvious that the popular vote didn't matter, that'd be it. I've already voted in this election (absentee), so I don't even get a sticker, which kind of makes the process feel a little incomplete. No lever, no booth, no old people, no sticker. I feel a bit gipped.
In the Post today there was an article about faith-based voting, and its place and purpose in our society. The author is a Christian and made a valid point: In the bible, God calls for concern for the poor over 2,000 times, yet scripture mentions homosexuality less than a dozen times. Why is it, then, that gay marriage is the religious election issue this year? It makes no sense, really. Saddens me to think that a Presidental election has been hacked away into something as ignorant as having a canidate more endorsed by "God" than another--how does God endorse someone anyway? Through the church? History will tell us that that's a load of hooey--remember the whole "slavery is biblical" argument, and the "women shouldn't vote", and the "left-handed women are witches" thing? Yeah, there's a reason there's a separation between church and state, people. It's not to protect the churches, it's to protect the state...and voting left-handed black women.
P.S. This past Sunday's game is the only time in history when it's ok to hope the Redskins lose a game. Boys, I'm sorry I cheered against you, but if the prediction is true I'll cheer extra hard for the next 4-8 years. Go Skins!
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