So earlier I posted about being ok with rejection and I mean that. But as I've thought about it more I've gotten just a tad (a smidgen if you will) bitter about the whole thing. I was venting to my roommate about it earlier; how it seems that God almost takes pleasure in watching me get worked up in things and then yanking it away from me at the last moment. How many trips, and relationships, and adventures and hopes have been allowed to grow and feed and mature, only to be plucked on the eve of their blossom? And I pray about it, I really do. I give it up and give it up and give it up only to have it return like an unwanted boomerang. I don't get it. If it's not going to happen I'd like to know so I don't waste my time and energy. If it's God's will that's fine, just a flippin' heads up would be nice. Like right now I've been getting distracted by the same damn thing for a year and a half, and it's just been a drawn out maybe. Every time I try to give up on it the yes door squeeks open just enough to let a little bit through, and I'm thrown back into the wating and wondering. It's like a life of endless yellow lights, where even a red light would be welcomed if only to have something definite. It's getting really old, and it makes me yearn for another time when the only will that mattered was mine.
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