My Little Instruction Book on Food

Hey, if you have to smell the milk before you pour it, just throw it out.

Reheated rice is disgusting, so even though it comes in those cute little cardboard cartons, it's for the best if you just leave it.

Honey, he's not in the fridge so stop looking.

Pre-sert: Every good cookie deserves another. Preferably before the meal begins. It's a freedom of adulthood.

Did you buy potatoes? Go check on them, cause when they rot, you just have to burn your house down to get rid of that smell.

Do you really need that many coffee mugs? Who is coming to visit, the VonTrapp family?

Don't buy another cookbook until you've at least tried a recipe out of the ones you already own. They aren't Clash records, they don't make you look cool or cultured. Well, some do.

Slim Jims? Really?

When it comes to buying cheap freezer bags or brand name freezer bags, always go brand name. Your chicken will thank you.

Half-caff coffee is a joke. It's the El Camino of the coffee world.

How come they don't make a 20-something cereal? Like one that doesn't have kid games on the back, but also one that doesn't sell itself as promoting regular bowel movements? A slightly sugar cereal that is sort of good for you, that promotes “Eases hangovers!” or “Good for three meals a day!” “Can be made with water if the milk smells funny!” It has to be tasty enough to compete with Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but look grown up enough to eat dry out of a baggie while riding on the metro. The back can have horoscopes, gossip news, a sudoku puzzle, conversation starters for the person who stayed over last night and you aren't sure why, or serious topics like what exactly is a 401 (k) and what one should look for in a good dental plan.

Buy your honey in the little plastic bears. Good karma.

If your country-themed kitchen decorations were purchased at Pottery Barn, they aren't country. They aren't even original. No one should pay $80 for a worn-looking wooden rooster. Not even you.

Your intentions with those leftovers were probably good, but we both know you won't ever eat it.

Don't buy another kitchen utensil until you can identify what all the ones you already own are supposed to do. Can't do it, can you?

Buy a microwave you elitist jerk.

Things to not buy in bulk: Cottage cheese, mayonnaise. That's it.

Cheap garlic power: death.

Do you really eat enough sushi to justify that whole sushi eating set?

If you need a measurement device to tell you how much a pinch is, you're an idiot.

Have you ever had the dire need to julienne something? Do you even know what that means, cause I sure don't.

1% milk: it's God's way of telling you to make up your damn mind.