Laughing

I woke up with this Regina Spektor song in my head. It is one of those songs that is convicting without browbeating. I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal relationship with God--exactly what that looks like, how it manifests itself in my interpersonal relationships--how it changes and what I really do want from it.
I don't know.

Maybe is a Four Letter Word

I just had my first empty weekend since May and it was lovely. I thought I had a birthday party to attend but I got my weekends mixed up and so days I thought were already filled were suddenly quite empty and I needed it. I lay around a lot.

Saturday afternoon I decided to re-watch “Sense and Sensibility” because though I may not look like the type who is a total sucker for Jane Austen, I am. Embarrassingly so. Of course it got me thinking.

My friend Doug recently wrote a rather good blog post on indifference in relationships and I have been chewing the cud on that as well. Too many times I've found myself at the start of a relationship (or, sadly, what I thought was the start but in reality was the whole thing) with someone who I liked fine, just not quite enough, or vice versa. It is as if dating was like Saturday afternoon TV: it's good for now, it's just not what I rush home to see. There's no pursuit, no desire for pursuing. Boy meets girl, boy chats up girl, boy and girl go out a few times, make out a few times, get to sink or swim moment (always seems to be about six weeks in, no?) and they sink. The end. There are no overtures, no grand gestures, no straightforward talks. There is a lackadaisical feeling to the entire dating prospect. No effort is exerted. It is like dating the path of least resistance. Maybe is the most often used word and it becomes a curse.

And so I took these dating disappointments into my viewing of “Sense and Sensibility” and now openly wonder what dating would look like in modern times if all intentions had to be submitted in writing; if dating wasn't so “easy” as it is now. Does the loss of decorum in gender relations hamper our ability to actually invest? Dating becomes a victim of easy come, easy go. Does our freedom to say or do just about anything leave us vulnerable to actually not saying or doing anything? It takes the heft away.

I say all of this as someone who often finds herself on the path of least resistance, at least in a dating sense. I take what sort of falls in my lap, never investing too much but secretly hoping someone else will.

Ghosts

I finally got up the nerve to ask to whom my dad was referring when he used that vicious pronoun "us" and I was correct, it is my former step-mom. What broke my heart was the other guest my father mentioned that was coming along, "the ghosts of [their] relationship."
Great way to word it but it has crushed me today.
One of my good guy friends just broke up with his long-term girlfriend because of her infidelity and he has his own kind of crushing weight to carry, his own ghosts that haunt. Yesterday he said, "I love her and I'm terrified about what she may do to herself," fueling a conversation about rescuing and being rescued.
I don't believe that we can rescue those we love, we can't save them from themselves. We can love them, we can encourage, we can support but we cannot carry.
Sorry it's such a downer of a post; I blame the rain.