Citizenship Exam

While home for the holiday I got into a conversation about citizenship with my stepmom-ish. When I worked at BB, a large portion of my employees were immigrants; English was their third, four language. They were from all over the world, from all sorts of circumstances. Amela left Bosnia when the civil war erupted in the late 80s and lived in Germany for several years before moving to the US. She works two jobs, her husband works three and her son is now a senior at Virginia Tech. Roya's father was high up in the local government in Tehran so when the revolution happened in the 80s, she was smuggled out of Iran on the back of a motorcycle in the middle of the night. She was 22. Hortencia was from an affluent family in Peru when her husband's diabetes forced him from his job. Unable to support her husband and sons there, she moved solo to the US. She works three jobs. Muhamad's family fled Iraq during the Gulf War. He was 7 years old. Nooria's family fled Afghanistan during the war with Russia.
Last year, Amela, Nooria and Muhamad finally had the opportunity to become full-fledged citizens. I had the chance to help all three of them study for their citizenship exam, and while asking them questions I realized how many 'natural-born' Americans would fail the test. Not just fail it, BOMB it. It's embarrassing. I'd like to see it required of all Americans in order to be registered to vote, or hold a drivers license. Wonder what that would do for civic attention spans.
Some sample questions, as found on the San Francisco Public Library's webpage:
(1) What are the colors of the flag?
(2) How many stars are on the flag?
(3) What do the stars represent?
(4) When is Independence Day?
(5) Independence from whom?
(6) Who becomes President if the President and Vice President die?
(7) How long is a Senator's term?
(8) Can the Constitution be changed?
(9) If so, what is a change in the Constitution called?
(10) How many amendments are there in the Constitution?
(11) What are the three branches of the US government called?
(12) Who makes laws in the United States?
(13) What is Congress?
(14) What is the purpose of the judicial branch?
(15) What is the Bill of Rights?
(16) Name three rights guaranteed by the Bill of Rights.
(17) In what year was the Constitution written?
(18) Can you name the thirteen original colonies?
(19) Who has the power to declare war?
(20) Which President was the first Commander-in-Chief of the US Military?

There are 100 sample questions (many are repetitive) and most are not difficult; but knowing that most American high school seniors who, while taking Government as a class, would find a way to fail such a test irks me.

(As for the questions above, I got them all right except I could only list 12 colonies. I forgot Jersey.)

Best and Worst of 2k6

Yes indeed, it's that time of the year when we do our retrospective here at Present Company (and by we I mean me) in an often futile attempt to remember the year that was. This year some photos have been included, for you people who don't like so many words. Brevity: not my strong suite.

Merry Christmas and here's to 2007!

Best Public Speaking: Brandt's best man speech, Paul/Krista wedding August 5, Steven's Point, WI.
Key: incorporating lumberjack, barracuda, nimble, delicious, yeti, pella roja (red head in spanish, according to Jack) and encyclopedia into a speech, without laughing. I believe the sentence “Paul's golf swing looks like a lumberjack trying to fish for barracuda with a toothpick,” was used.

Best Conversion: realizing that I actually like the beach. Converted in May/June at Myrtle Beach, SC with six other ladies in the Maskey's timeshare.
Key: daiquiris and pina coladas from hotel bar while standing in the surf at 11am. And Beth's “I'm in my happy place.”

Best Shopping: Caroline M. Romano buying something like 20 ringtones after drinking most of a magnum of cab sav and claiming it was “retail therapy.” July at the DDH.
Key: I do believe she bought Jessica Simpson. Voluntarily.

Worst Start to Something: New Years on my couch, watching “The Graduate” with Neil and Nathan.
Key: Whooping Cough. That damn whooping cough. As Hatch said, “And Jesus whooped.”

Best Road Trip: Doug, Laurie, Erin, Johnny K and I in a roomy Avalon, from Leesburg to Dayton, OH in a day, Kristina/Joe wedding, June.
Key: Mad Libs (“a juicy breasted nuthatch”?) the nicest rest area EVER, Johnny talking about hating sun roofs, back seat dancing. Trip minutes.

Worst Road Trip: Amy, Erin and I in a Ford Contour with no AC, driving from KY back to Leesburg after the KK/Joe wedding, June.
Key: Did you read the part about the no AC in the humidity of late June? And then that damn gas station didn't sell slurpees.

Best Borrowed Item: driving to Myrtle Beach with Erin and Jenny in the wee hours and stopping at “Pedro's Pleasure Dome” at South of the Border, seeing a sombrero ashtray and stealing it.
Key: that mini pleasure dome sat on the dashboard and didn't move, even around some crazy turns. That thing was solid. It was awesome. It was snuck back in and returned on the way home, as mandated by Erin, a pillar of righteousness. Jenny: “Log truck.”

(Paul, Krista, Brandt, Jack, Seth and I stroll through Madison, WI before the night of the bachelor party)

Best Wedding: I think Paul and Krista edges out the competition, but just barely. Strong showing by KK and Joe and Rachel and Chris too.
Key: (1) it was in Wisconsin. (2) Seth and I eat deep dish in Chicago with a pathological liar we just met (3) Seth and Brandt bury the hatchet. (4) Paul deciding to cuddle with Seth his last night as a bachelor. (5) Setting up the rehearsal dinner tent with Beth and Amelia while the boys were recovering from the bachelor party. (6) Seth being so bad at golf he hit a tree and it bounced back at his face and he caught it (7) The rabid fox wandering around the country club at the reception. (8) Beating 8 guys at carbombs...twice. (9) Brandt's best man speech (see above). (10) dancing in a circle around Paul while he marched in place to “Ring of Fire”.

Best Fest: ODBfest in a monsoon, Old Dominion Brewery, Ashburn, VA in June with Brandt, Rinehart and Caroline. This wins every year.
Key: Well...Rinehart for one. The place was empty. A pocketful of free pogs. Mudfights. Paul and Krista picking us up. Typical ODBfest. Every year since 2003.

Best Reunion: Seeing Liz and Paul after 7 months, Heathrow Airport, London, UK, April.
Key: Nothing was different. Sign of true friends.

Worst Place to Navigate: Bristol, UK.
Key: “Liz, I may kill you if you don't stop driving.”

Best Karaoke Night: Brandt's two-day birthday celebration at Paynes on Friday and the Royal Lee on Saturday, May. I believe that was the last trip to the famed Royal Lee.

Key: Not “getting” to sing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” with Mark, Paul's version of Cream's “White Room.”(Lewis, Me, Liz, Katie(?) and Paul outside of the hostel where we dropped them)

Best “How Did I Get Here?” Moment: Driving around Bristol, UK after the Iron and Wine show with two random exchange students and a traveling Canadian packed into Liz's two-door Fiesta.
Key: We'd just met them, the drive took as long as the walk would have and the Canadian was singing "The Great Adeventure" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Worst Reality Check: Phone call from my dad at work, February 28.
Key: having to tell my mom and sisters.

Most Productive Week: The week of February 28th.
Key: I apparently like to do a lot when stressed. Finished bed, moved bed, rearranged room three times, dismantled a futon and set it up in another room, regrouted my shower, reorganized book shelves, missed one day of work.

Best Random Place to Stay: Staying with Hatcher's family friends Lily and Kevin, Heburon, KY, June, for the Durrough wedding.
Key: Pool. Billiards. Giant couch. Giant TV. Whole floor to ourselves. Newborn twins. Air hockey. The DC boys. Steve and Joe's “swim trunks”, kababs and brewskies, mowing the lawn and the biggest breakfast ever. Pringles forever.

Worst Roadside Decoration: Right on the highway its Touchdown Jesus, outside of Cincinnati, OH.
Key: We almost drove off the road laughing.

Best Kings Category: “Dance Crazes” with Seth and Caroline before the drive to Chicago/Wisconsin, August at the DDH.
Key: Watching Seth try to do the macarena

Best Gift: Liz's “Gilmore Girls” DVD boxed set that Paul bought on ebay. With Chinese subtitles. Recorded off the TV.
Key: did you catch the part about the subtitles?

Best After the Wedding Moment: The “little get together” at Hatcher's after the Chris/Rachel wedding, Lincoln, VA, August.
Key: “Jeter did you kiss that girl?” Falling asleep on the couch at about 3am, and that was early.

Worst Holiday: St. Patrick's Day.
Key: somehow this is true every year. It's clear God knows I'm not Irish and is punishing me for it. “Dear St. Patrick's Day: On behalf of my friend Sarah Spooner I just wanted to say, She hates you. Love, Erin.”

Best Upgrade: Stewart, the 1999 Toshiba laptop, to Lappy 9000, the sleek new shiny model. With a mouse that works too.
Key: The N, B and Space Bar worked inconsistently. CDs stopped being readable. Windows 98 still sounded futuristic.

Best Freebies: Free Wine for Women on Wednesdays, Tappatinis, Eastern Market, SE DC, all summer.
Key: revolving cast of characters, the Tom Spaul phone call, Abby B. Free wine. Duh.

Best Lists: Unromantic Dictionary/Words to never say on a first date, Awkward places to find oneself half-naked and Songs to not play at a wedding, Myrtle Beach, June.
Key: Reggie and Caroline's PENECILLIN!, “Half-naked? CONGRESS!”, and, of course, any songs about strippers.

Best Job Switch: getting the internship at Windy Gap, late May, finally leaving the Brothers.
Key: I WORK AT WINDY GAP! How crazy is that?

Best/Worst Meal Choice: Eating ham and potato salad at least once a day for an entire week, May at the DDH.
Key: We had food for 30 people at our house and 7 people came. I didn't want the ham to go to waste. Or the 5lb bucket of potato salad. Best text from it: “Spooner? Ham?”

Worst Oversight: No Taps Week Reunion in 2K6.

Key: We have no excuse, but I'm sure there's a way to blame Dylan.(Hatcher and Maskey in the throwes of fistpumping)

Best Fistpumping Moment: Dueling Piano Bar with Sean and the girls, Myrtle Beach, June.
Key: Rinehart's doppelganger, texting Flynny, Pulling request out of halter top (“with $5 cuz boobs is small”), being the loudest girls in the place, getting the whole crowd to waive their arms along with us during “Brown Eyed Girl” as if we were leading club and the guys saying “Do whatever those girls do!”, Sean being overwhelmed.

Best Race: makejoefamous and I trying to beat the incoming freshman at his alma mater in a scavenger hunt...and winning. Lynchburg, VA, August.
Key: the freshman didn't know we were doing the scavenger hunt until we were racing them around the track, trying to find a clue on a goal post.

Best Random Moment When a Whole Room Breaks Into Song Like They Do in Musicals But Never in Real Life: Ellen Troyer's rendition of Peter Cetera's “Glory of Love” on piano when, you guessed, it, everyone (20+ people) starts to sing along as loud as possible. Moldy Family Dinner, Weaverville, NC, October.
Key: She's 8 months pregnant and the song previously played was “Hot Crossed Buns”.

Best Intern Moment: Julie Brandenberger bursting through the door at 11:45pm, yelling, “COME QUICK!”. Weaverville, NC. September.
Key: She accidentally drove a golf cart off a small cliff, and sort of wedged it into a small tree.

Biggest Rip-off: Stonehenge, outside of Sailsbury, UK, April.
Key: Paying something like £6 to stand around an go, “Yup. They are big stones.” Not getting the audio guide was probably a reason the trip was a bust. I mean it's cool and all, but hard to spend more than 10 minutes there.

Worst Setup: Homeowner Steve to Erin, December 2006.
Key: He's a veteran girls fastpitch softball umpire. Minichopper. Mustache. Hockey. 6'3”, 190lbs, age: 33. Dreamy.

No Honor

I read the newspaper online. I know, how very modern of me, but every morning I can drink my coffee and look over the headlines that the Post has for me that day (by Post I mean the one in Washington, not the one in NY. I find it funny that in NY, the Times is the credible paper and the Post is the sketchy one and in DC it's just the opposite. The best thing the Washington Times has ever done was line a litter box). Yesterday had an article about what women's rights looked like in Communist Russia and what is has looked like since the emergence of a more capitalistic society. It was written by a Russian journalist for the Post and I found it insightful.
As with most of the more intriguing articles published online, there are quite a few comments and additions made by readers, one being a link to a 2002 National Geographic article on 'honor killings' which is, essentially, the murder of women to "protect" their family's perceived honor (I highly recommend reading that article. It isn't very long). And that the practice is widely accepted and very rarely sees any sort of consequence for the killers. If a woman is caught in adultery, or in premarital sex, or speaks out against anyone in her family, or flirts, or if her dowry is too low, or any sort of slight, real or imagined then her life may be in jeopardy. And the idea that no one would stand for her is so sad. I cannot help but be angry that anyone in this day and age can and does treat another as a piece of property.
I am so thankful for the options that I have. I have options, and what my family thinks goes no farther than their verbalization of that opinion. In schooling, in occupation, in dating and marriage, in birth control, in divorce, the list goes on. Sometimes I forget how much had to happen to have those options, how novel some of them are globally.
My cousin Dan worked with women's rights in India for several years, writing a book about helping them to start on the road to economic independence. I've only read parts of it, but talking to him about it this summer gave me confidence that there are good things happening in that area, that slowly, things are changing.

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

So that death cough is still here.
Worst in the morning, when I'm first up and my lungs haven't had time to do their best Lazarus impression. It probably doesn't help that I live in a dark, dank basement. This morning it was so bad my roommate came out of her room and asked if I was dying. I saw the camp doctor today (pays to have a MD on call any time campers are present) and it's not the whooping cough again. Whoop for joy about that one (that was for you, Hatch.) He gave me a bunch of pills, a cough suppressant and more albuterol for my inhaler. That basically translates into speed, speed and inhaled speed. In between coughing fits and sneezing, I'm spazzy.
So much for gettin' that pack of camels for the long drive back to VA...(jk)

Since "Lost" has been on hiatus most of the year, and the show is frankly starting to piss me off, I've taken to a new show that is similar but less smoke-killing-people-off-ish. I started watching "Heroes" simply because NBC has all the episodes online and I don't have TV. I'm really getting into it. Not in an obsessive way, but I do love me a show that causes my brain to occasionally jump above the comatose state caused by most of primetime.

I think lately I've been trying to actively not think. There's too much to prepare for, too much to consider, too much to weigh. So much I have to verbally process and I haven't had the means or the energy to do it lately. I'm heading back to LoCo on the 21st and I'll be at my dad's on the 22nd, though with my stepmom there I never know if I'll be welcome or not. One day she is lukewarm, the next she is frosty, still the next she is hugs and smiles. Consistency would be nice, no matter which form it may take. Steeling myself for anything takes more energy than I'd like to dictate to such a task.

Lastly, best Christmas present received so far:

This photo on a coffee mug, courtesy of K O'B Murphy

Yes, that is Seany and Romano, sitting on a cannon out on the coast of NC. Why this photo makes me giggle so hard I haven't yet deciphered. But come on, it's funny. Now every time I have my coffee in it, I smile. Good present you drunken Irish!

They Should be Teams on the Amazing Race

Tonight Liz called to tell me that she and Paul are...

ENGAGED!!!

I've never screamed so loud for an engagement!
I jumped on my couch out of joy, scaring roommates!

CONGRATS FRIENDS!!

Speaking of Engaged...

JENNY AND JOHNNY K got engaged this weekend!!
Johnny K: luckiest man EVER.
CONGRATS TO TWO OF FFX's BEST!

*Liz: the photo of ya'll was carefully chosen and is the third most awkward photo I own of the two of you. I would have posted the most awkward (I believe you are talking into a shoe in the photo) but I was feeling generous. It's only cuz you told me I get to give a speech. Don't make me regret my decision.

You Smell. You Should.

Humans are messy, dirty creatures who spend a vast amount of time trying to hide that fact. Covering our smells is a billion dollar industry of soaps, perfumes, colognes, lotions and sprays; we've created a complex system that lets us believe our bodily waste can disappear. We scrub ourselves with stones and seacreatures, we remove hair, grow hair, color hair, cut hair, add hair.
I wonder if we ever consciously realize how frustrating it is to be under the impression that we are the be-all, end-all of creation, the pinnacle of all that is detailed perfection when we are just as gross as every other mammal. I think it'd be rather freeing to understand that almost all of what decorum tells us to hide is the very stuff that we simply are.

Shameless Plug

This is a plug for an old old friend:
Please go here to listen and vote for my friend Stephanie (Schlosser) Chapman in the BMI podcast! Steph is my high school friend who's making a name for herself out there in Nashville!

Some Days

All the thoughts of the week have been flashes of lightening, an effort like discerning songs and discussions while the radio is still scanning. As soon as it is identified it is gone.
I blame the new black myan onyx organic coffee beans, which are akin to shooting up disesl fuel. Thoughts on peak oil, gender roles, paint, etc. And then...static.
Instead of thoughts, I'll post some happenings. Monday was la dia de flu. I was up all Sunday night getting sick, so I slept most of Monday, before going to the camp Christmas party and ordering prime rib. I took most of it home with me to eat later. Tuesday I had my stint as the weekly town runner, in which I am sent to 8-10 places to pick up anything from toilets and hoses to enough candy to cause a dentist seizures (of delight or mortification depends on the dentist). Did you know there is a store that just sells hoses? I didn't know there was enough of a business to afford a whole store dedicated to just hoses, but apparently, I was mistaken. As I wrote about a while ago, we have massive construction happening here at the 'Gap and with OSHA regs, hard hats are required in and around the dirt moving. Well we have the pretty pink ones in the office that were ordered a while ago, and which the maintenance men still refuse to wear. No regard to safety I say. So Tuesday I was sent to pick up some very manly (and boring) white ones. I tried to trade them in for purple ones, or even neutral green or yellow, but the hard hat guy was pretty firm that I stick with the white. No creativity.
Wednesday morning it was discovered that one of the horses was dead out in the field. When I was driving in on Tuesday night I saw him standing over by himself and I said hello to him. But in the morning Hank was just lying on his side, eyes open and very dead. I guess the normal protocol is to dig a big hole right by him and roll him in, but an autopsy was ordered so Hank was loaded onto a big flatbed truck, covered with a tarp, and taken to the equine CSI.

Last night we had our first serious dusting of snow. About damn time.
Too late in the night I pulled out my backpacker guitar and strummed things quiet and loving. Current song I'm playing: "Book of Love" by Magnetic Fields. But more like this version.

I head to work at 1 this afternoon, for another busy stint in the bakery for the weekend, looking like I know what I'm doing and trying to not add salt instead of sugar or burn the shit out of my forearms. I don't like the pressure of the kitchen.
My bosses' yellow lab/golden mix, Flossy, is staying with us this weekend and she's snuggled happily against my leg. Although it was discovered that she is terrified of Kyle, our foot tall great horned owl piggy bank that we found in a closet. I guess I could see how Kyle could be scary...if you were a mouse.

Time to take a shower, pound the last of the coffee and face a weekend.

VA peoples: I'll be back in LoCo on the 21st, but that night is reserved for Hatch. I'll be around til the morning of the 26th, so call me if you wanna hang out. I know the night of the 25th is the annual trek to either Balls Bluff Tavern or to Champions for the crazy reunions. I think last year I gave Marissa a hug in the parking lot after last call. Whoops.

It's a Sabotage

So, I have a weakness.
(One and only one)
It happens to be...ready?...driving after watching action movies.
(I mentioned this back in November, but haven't yet had an intervention)
It's a serious problem of mine, and my poor little subaru (that's "u r a bus" backward) feels the brunt of my speed deamonish tendencies post watching stuff blow up. Doesn't matter if the movie was good or not, just if there were car chases and loud noises and literally shit blowing up. Then I get behind the wheel, put on the "Drive Fast, Yell Stuff" mix and suddenly I'm going 85. Or faster.
The mix is a lot of Rage, Beastie Boys, Zeppelin, Violent Femmes, DMX, et al and then I get home and can't simmer down. I need some sort of decompression chamber to go from adrenaline shot to le heart down to, say, herbal tea level. Like the stepdown from "Bulls on Parade" by Rage down to, oh I don't know, let's say Patty Griffin.
Tonight I watched MI:III which was a typical action movie, very by the book, etc (and I don't really care for Tom Cruise; he's got that creepy smile that looks like it could eat puppies. I prefer Matt Damon as Jason Borne. Oh do I prefer Matt...) but I watched it in HD and surround sound and, well, I got invested.
I told you it was a weakness. Don't judge me, I was being vunerable.
But now you see why Seth never lets me drive after watching movies like that. He knows better.

Hyper-Hypochondria

It's that time of year when I get consistently ill and want to die.
Not because I'm overly dramatic or anything, I just want to petition God for a new body.
Maybe even just a new nasal passage/sinus cavity.
I don't ask for much really.
Just death or a new head.

Also: strange, violent stomach pains. Not cramps per se, just a general malaise. Hate all food at the moment. Am currently working as a baker. Not a good combo.
I will get back to my feverish blogging sprint when I finally kick all this.

(sidebar: I find it very funny that blogger's spell check does not recognize the word "blogging")