Ponderosa

• Discovered that one of my favorite Iron & Wine songs was used in what I understand to be a pivotal scene in one of the sparkly vampire movies. This annoys me to no end. Way to ruin “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”, Bobby Pattison.

• Living alone I’ve come to realize that easily ¾ of my conversations occur in my head. I’m pretty good company. I get less motivated to go actually see people though, which probably isn’t healthy in the long run. There’s more of me behind my eyes.
  
• I’ve just passed my six year anniversary here in WNC and the friendships I’ve made have begun to take on the richness that comes with the passage of time. I’m thankful for the people who’ve been with me for years, through the darkness of the valley of death. Those friendships just get better. I don’t know if I express enough how grateful I am.
  
• I talked to my nearly 19-year old sister on the phone for over two hours. Easily our longest phone conversation ever. I moved out when she was 3; we had a lot of history to cover. It’s an adjustment realizing she’s an adult now. The girl peed on my face as an infant and now she has an apartment? Something is off. I love her and worry about her and pray for her and am proud of her and am hopeful for her and all other good things. It’s a weird balance; trying to protect her from mistakes I’ve made all while encouraging her to live her life. I’m not particularly close to my other siblings; I hope she remains the exception.

• Learned how to play Damien Rice’s “9 Crimes” on guitar last week. That song SLAYS me.

• We recently had the annual church camping trip. I need camping. It is such a relief to be free from technology, to be a book and a breeze in a hammock, in repose. The smell of campfire is life. I think I may take some of my vacation to stay out in the woods more often, to spend hours staring at a creek.
  
• I’m thankful for my dog. I’ve learned so much about love from having her around. I still have much to learn.


• My novel is plodding along, in that I’ll work on it for a week straight, then not touch it for a few days, then obsess over it. The smallest things feel like such an accomplishment—some little bit of backstory, an opening line; a realization about a specific relationship. The creation of a historical timeline for the characters took days and, though crucial, it will never appear in the actual story. The process of writing a novel is intimidating, and if I think about it too much I freeze. What if it’s terrible? Boring? Makes no sense? No one wants to read it? What if I can’t finish it? Does any of that even matter? In Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott wrote, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.” I’m consciously trying to embrace the shitty first draft mentality, consciously focusing on the small steps in front of me and not the behemoth of the whole.
  
• I’ve been reading “A Circle of Quiet” by Madeline L’Engle, and there is such comfort in the freedom to create that she professes.
  
• My grandmother died yesterday. She was 92. 

...For our Lives to Be Over

So about six weeks ago I had the misfortune to discover that all six seasons of Dawson’s Creek are now available on Netflix streaming.

Do you hear Paula Cole in your head? I do. Do do do do do do do do do do… 

(Incidentally, the streaming license didn’t get “I Don’t Wanna Wait” and so they used a random Jann Arden song as the theme music. This angered me for 126 straight episodes. Those last two redeemed it. Mostly.)

I never really watched “The Creek” when it was on. I was in college for most of the series, and programming the VHS to record was a complicated process, so I didn’t watch any shows during my uni years. I had enough teen angst of my own, thank you very much. I’d seen maybe two or three episodes, so I decided to take the plunge and Netflix binge it. 

The Beek is proud of me. 

In the nine years since it went off the air, I'd picked up a few spoilers here and there. I knew the jist, knew the big plot points. I figured this was a nice "it's too hot outside" distraction for the dog days of summer. 

Aside from realizing that 95% of the story lines from the first three seasons are made moot by the advent of cell phones, and that the ridiculously verbose scripts don't mean well-written dialogue (no 16-year old uses "maudlin" in everyday speak), it did bring me back to a less complicated, less technological time. 

It made me miss some of my high school friends, and aspects of my high school self. Not much of my high school self, but rather the possibilities that I so strongly believed in at the time. I miss thinking that the future was so wide open, that we'd all be friends forever, that we'd make it through everything together. Those aren't the sorts of friendships that come in adulthood. I haven't kept a close friendship with many people from my LVHS days. I was born and raised in the same town, the people I met at 5 were the people I graduated with, but I'm not close with any of them. Melancholy.
I don't think I realized I miss being 19. I love being in my 30s, but the year I miss most is 19, the first summer home from college, the old friendships that were still running on habit, the new ones that were still shiny and off somewhere else. 

Other Notes:

• I'm now really sympathetic to Joey Potter Katie Holmes. I feel for her and all the circus surrounding her life. Poor Joey. Plus her daughter's burn book is a favorite website. 
• Jen Lindley Michelle Williams is a multi-Oscar nominated actress? Who saw that coming?
• I'd make out with Pacey Pacey in a heartbeat. Exhibit Awesome----->
• I love watching day players on old shows who are big stars now. You go, Jane Lynch/Pacey's mom. 
• Every drama made between 1997 and 2001 was required to have an episode featuring Sarah McLachlan's "Angel". I'm convinced of this. 
• They were much more sloppy with details when they didn't think pausing TV was possible. I'm looking at you, NC vehicle inspection stickers in car windows that are supposed to be in Massachusetts. 
• First two seasons were brought to you by J.Crew sweaters, 3-5 by American Eagle. Season 6 was open season in the attire department. 

It took a while to find a photo where Dawson's hair didn't make me want to vomit

Upon 21st century viewing by a 30-something, I give it a 3.0. Chunky dialoge, nonsensical relationship arcs ("I love you! Now I'm totally over you and we have no lingering issues!") and predictable plot lines. But Joey Potter was a great character to watch change and grow. I get you, Joey freakin' Potter.