LoCo Ladies Luncheon on Valentines Day at Natalie
and Mikes! Left to Right: The Tres Amigas Kristina,
Maskey and Hatcher, Natalie, Libby and Michelle.
Yay for salads, brie, mimosas, and Pink Cake!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
LoCo Ladies
LoCo Ladies Luncheon on Valentines Day at Natalie
and Mikes! Left to Right: The Tres Amigas Kristina,
Maskey and Hatcher, Natalie, Libby and Michelle.
Yay for salads, brie, mimosas, and Pink Cake!
Monday, February 14, 2005
Hypo-Hyper-Hypo
I'm a rather serious hypochondraic and fully believe I will die tragically young of a rare and yet heroic condition/disorder. Always have.
Why? I have no idea. It's ridiculous.
I'm also a hyperactive hypoglycemic, like Phil, Mike Myers' character on SNL who wore the helmet and was harnessed to the jungle gym. Yeah, that's me. Laugh it up. (Basically this combo means I eat sugar, get twitchy and talk too fast, pass out in mid-sentence and then blame it on something rare and tragic, rather than the fact that I'm irresponsible and ate too much sugar)
Today I had lunch with the LoCo Ladies (with Nat, Michelle and Libby) and on the way home I suddenly felt the left side of my neck become incredibly tender and swollen. It suddenly became strangely painful and/or difficult to swallow.
"Food allgery!" I thought (though I don't have any known ones).
Clearly it's anaphylaxis.
That's it, I'm dying.
I'm here to tell you that I love you all, life was sweet, enjoy everyday, good-bye cruel beautiful world bla bla bla.
Whatever.
So I have no idea what it is, but it hurts to all hell and I don't want to take benedryl b/c it makes me fall asleep. But that doesn't sound too heroic, so maybe I will take some.
Why? I have no idea. It's ridiculous.
I'm also a hyperactive hypoglycemic, like Phil, Mike Myers' character on SNL who wore the helmet and was harnessed to the jungle gym. Yeah, that's me. Laugh it up. (Basically this combo means I eat sugar, get twitchy and talk too fast, pass out in mid-sentence and then blame it on something rare and tragic, rather than the fact that I'm irresponsible and ate too much sugar)
Today I had lunch with the LoCo Ladies (with Nat, Michelle and Libby) and on the way home I suddenly felt the left side of my neck become incredibly tender and swollen. It suddenly became strangely painful and/or difficult to swallow.
"Food allgery!" I thought (though I don't have any known ones).
Clearly it's anaphylaxis.
That's it, I'm dying.
I'm here to tell you that I love you all, life was sweet, enjoy everyday, good-bye cruel beautiful world bla bla bla.
Whatever.
So I have no idea what it is, but it hurts to all hell and I don't want to take benedryl b/c it makes me fall asleep. But that doesn't sound too heroic, so maybe I will take some.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Open-Ended
I don't particularly like to make Meandering Thoughts into Meandering Political Thoughts, but those of you who know me well know that I can only remain a-political for about five minutes, then it somehow seeps out. I can't help it; I'm opinionated (ok maybe an understatement). Well today kids is going to be slightly political, so brace yo'self, you red state-ers.
I'm just about finished with Savage Beauty, a biography of my favorite poet, Ms. Edna St. Vincent Millay. I love her. She lived what might be one of the craziest lives I've ever had the privilege of reading about and was a Pulitzer-winning poet. She was also fairly political and the views that she took are now wildly considered to be "right" in the context of history: she was "right" to fight against the isolationism in America before WWII, "right" to worry about the dangers of Hitler, "right" to be arrested protesting for a women's right to vote. Today we champion those views; at the time they were considered radical and often subversive.
Being the self-obsessed person that I am this had me wonder, what sorts of opinions that exist now will be considered "right" 50, 75, 100 years down the road? What sorts of battles will we look back on and say, "Oh gosh I can't believe we fought for/against that. How ignorant/intolerant/cynical/optimistic/greedy/generous were we?"
This morning in the Washington Post there was an article sort of answering my simmering rhetorical question. This editorial of course dealt with the big issue of today, gay marriage. I recommend reading it, as it makes valid comparisons between the struggle for interracial marriage and the struggle for gay marriage. (link is attached)
"Almighty God created the races, white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix."
When was this said? 1959. My father was nine years old. In Alabama? Nope, Virginia. By whom? A high-ranking judge. This was less than 50 years ago, and now a-days we sigh and say, "Well we really didn't believe that. I mean we all know that it was nonsense. We're smarter than that now." But are we? How? Is it right because it's a popular view, or is it right because it is what should be intrinsically? I can't say I know, I only question.
"If we maintain the open-mindedness of children, we challenge fixed ideas and established structures, including our own...We don't find demons in those with whom we disagree...If we are open, we rarely resort to either-or: either creation or evolution, liberty or law, sacred or secular, Beethoven or Madonna, we focus on both--and are fully aware that God's truth cannot be imprisoned in a small definition. Of course, the open mind does not accept everything indiscriminately....It does not absorb all propositions equally like a sponge; nor is it soft...the open mind realizes that reality, truth and Jesus Christ are incredibly open-ended." -Brenan Manning Ragamuffin Gospel
I'm just about finished with Savage Beauty, a biography of my favorite poet, Ms. Edna St. Vincent Millay. I love her. She lived what might be one of the craziest lives I've ever had the privilege of reading about and was a Pulitzer-winning poet. She was also fairly political and the views that she took are now wildly considered to be "right" in the context of history: she was "right" to fight against the isolationism in America before WWII, "right" to worry about the dangers of Hitler, "right" to be arrested protesting for a women's right to vote. Today we champion those views; at the time they were considered radical and often subversive.
Being the self-obsessed person that I am this had me wonder, what sorts of opinions that exist now will be considered "right" 50, 75, 100 years down the road? What sorts of battles will we look back on and say, "Oh gosh I can't believe we fought for/against that. How ignorant/intolerant/cynical/optimistic/greedy/generous were we?"
This morning in the Washington Post there was an article sort of answering my simmering rhetorical question. This editorial of course dealt with the big issue of today, gay marriage. I recommend reading it, as it makes valid comparisons between the struggle for interracial marriage and the struggle for gay marriage. (link is attached)
"Almighty God created the races, white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix."
When was this said? 1959. My father was nine years old. In Alabama? Nope, Virginia. By whom? A high-ranking judge. This was less than 50 years ago, and now a-days we sigh and say, "Well we really didn't believe that. I mean we all know that it was nonsense. We're smarter than that now." But are we? How? Is it right because it's a popular view, or is it right because it is what should be intrinsically? I can't say I know, I only question.
"If we maintain the open-mindedness of children, we challenge fixed ideas and established structures, including our own...We don't find demons in those with whom we disagree...If we are open, we rarely resort to either-or: either creation or evolution, liberty or law, sacred or secular, Beethoven or Madonna, we focus on both--and are fully aware that God's truth cannot be imprisoned in a small definition. Of course, the open mind does not accept everything indiscriminately....It does not absorb all propositions equally like a sponge; nor is it soft...the open mind realizes that reality, truth and Jesus Christ are incredibly open-ended." -Brenan Manning Ragamuffin Gospel
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
Need Need/Hubris
I have an over-abundance of strong female mentors and role models. Every good thing in me can probably be traced back to a lesson, a prayer or insight from the Natalies, Ruths, Joans, Ginnys and Michelles in my life (among others) and I love that about me. I talked to Michelle today, who is my third big sister in a way. We got to talking about relationships and, long story short, I again learned something. I was moaning about a certain relationship and she called me out in a way that I hadn't even considered. She said, "You and I are the same; we want to feel wanted; we need to be needed. Sometimes its a good thing, but most often its not. You are carrying another's burdens in a way you shouldn't--you aren't guarding your heart. You need to end that."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
And that's as far as I got. I started that post two or three days ago, as the weight was just being rested on my shoulders. The prospect of literally cutting a relationship out of a life because it is unhealthy...mindboggling. Heartbreaking. I know I have to; she's right. She saw what I can't see. The clutch it was next. I have tried and tried to figure out how to express it, what to write, how to write it, what even I am. I can't. I haven't. 10,000 song lyrics but no words of my own. I do have this overwhelming need to be needed, a complex codependency in its own way. I don't know if its a female thing or just a me thing, but it is something with which I subconsciously struggle and if I am to ever be freed of it, this severing is the benchmark. It will leave a void.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Three times in one day the word hubris came up, and thus I, who needs to read into everything as if the world is written in code just for me, saw it as a sign of sorts. It's not a good sign, I must say. Hubris (it's excessive arrogance, pride or presumptuousness so you can stop navigating away to go look it up and pretend you knew it all along, you walking SAT prep book you)? Why hubris? Is there pride in my inability to make a clean break from this relationship? Is it as much me fearing failure as me fearing heartbreak as me fearing me? Hubris, the destroyer of all things.
The ultimate self-consciousness.
Self-consciousness to self-annihilation.
Also, good name for a cat.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
And that's as far as I got. I started that post two or three days ago, as the weight was just being rested on my shoulders. The prospect of literally cutting a relationship out of a life because it is unhealthy...mindboggling. Heartbreaking. I know I have to; she's right. She saw what I can't see. The clutch it was next. I have tried and tried to figure out how to express it, what to write, how to write it, what even I am. I can't. I haven't. 10,000 song lyrics but no words of my own. I do have this overwhelming need to be needed, a complex codependency in its own way. I don't know if its a female thing or just a me thing, but it is something with which I subconsciously struggle and if I am to ever be freed of it, this severing is the benchmark. It will leave a void.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Three times in one day the word hubris came up, and thus I, who needs to read into everything as if the world is written in code just for me, saw it as a sign of sorts. It's not a good sign, I must say. Hubris (it's excessive arrogance, pride or presumptuousness so you can stop navigating away to go look it up and pretend you knew it all along, you walking SAT prep book you)? Why hubris? Is there pride in my inability to make a clean break from this relationship? Is it as much me fearing failure as me fearing heartbreak as me fearing me? Hubris, the destroyer of all things.
The ultimate self-consciousness.
Self-consciousness to self-annihilation.
Also, good name for a cat.
Outside My Eyes
The cold does something to me; makes me more creaky and old, stiff to the whims of the wind and weather. Today has been especially painful--my back has been so tight I cannot breathe. For the past few days I have been in so much pain I have had trouble remembering to do basic things, like eating, or sleeping, or writing. I can't sit up, I can't walk, I can't stand, I can't lay down, I can't I can't I can't. It detaches me from the rest of the world; prevents me from thinking about things outside of myself, as I simply cannot hear anything outside my own body's cries. It breeds loneliness. I don't like to dwell on it too often, as much for the readers as for the writer.
Today I vented to a friend about it, as I was trying desperately to have some emotion about a situation and couldn't muster the energy to care deeply. I apologized for my lack of compassion, and she expressed a desire to help me in some way. I appreciated her empathy, and it got me thinking about those situations that cannot be easily solved, that have no clear ending or victory. She can't help me--my back problems befuddle everyone.
I know from experience how frustrating it is to watch a loved one experience pain or suffering in a way that I was inept to help. That inability is overwhelming. It is amazing isn't it; the powerlessness of being human? It is times like this when I realize how small I am; how little my hands and heart can do for myself or anyone else.
Today I vented to a friend about it, as I was trying desperately to have some emotion about a situation and couldn't muster the energy to care deeply. I apologized for my lack of compassion, and she expressed a desire to help me in some way. I appreciated her empathy, and it got me thinking about those situations that cannot be easily solved, that have no clear ending or victory. She can't help me--my back problems befuddle everyone.
I know from experience how frustrating it is to watch a loved one experience pain or suffering in a way that I was inept to help. That inability is overwhelming. It is amazing isn't it; the powerlessness of being human? It is times like this when I realize how small I am; how little my hands and heart can do for myself or anyone else.
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