A Staff Infection

I leave for summer staff in less than a week. Gulp. When I applied, it was begrudgingly. When I was accepted, I was elated (I mean who doesn't get excited when they get accepted into just about anything?) and now I'm in this sort of dreading stage. Somehow I've developed this knee-jerk defensiveness about myself, and I know I need to get it out of my system before I go. I'm kind of using this snooty, prideful, "I'm just going to serve and I don't give a crap if I make friends with everyone or not" way of thinking, and I really do think its reactionary. I'm being told that I won't be able to have a drink or any tobacco products for a month. I can't wear spaghetti straps. I can only listen to "Christian" music in the kitchen? WHAT THE CRAP? I'm 23 years old, I am allowed to do whatever the f--- I want to do--that's the whole perc of growing up. I'm not used to being told what I can and cannot wear, drink, or listen to, thus I understand why my defenses might be up. I want to treat this as a job--I go into the kitchen, do my thing and then go off and have my time. Write letters, chew on a stick for that oral fixation and listen to my discman, consciously separating my business and personal lives. Keep separate things separate, like I do at other jobs.
But that's not what I'm called to do--I'm called to serve, with the full expectation that this can and will occur outside the confines of the kitchen. I'm not ever "off" that job. I am called to go in with an open and humble heart. But how do I get there? I think about all the times I've gone to ALI to start staff work, and how excited I've been to meet new people and share our lives and experiences. Why am I resisting it now? Why do I have such a dislike of Christians? I hope I can contain this festering and kill it before next week rolls around.