(1) I have spent most of my life trying to separate myself from my family; making up ways that I was different from them. Now I catch myself explaining who I am based on my family. I am a nerd, "you should meet my parents." I'm skinny, "you should see my brother," I read a lot. "My parents raised me that way." I use the very people I tried so hard to be distinct from to validate or explain the best and worst qualities of me. Finally realizing the truth: I come from imperfect people. I am one.
(2) I spend most of my day alone and I'm realizing more and more that being by myself is like smoking by the gas pump--something is bound to blow up sooner or later. It is not a good thing. I am dangerous with silence. That's why God invented the iPod. (Stuck on the following songs: "The Crane Wife 3" by Decemberists, "Wrecking Ball" by Gillian Welch, "Jolene" by The Weepies, "Pretty Dress" by Rosie Thomas--lots of slower, thinking songs. Does not bode well.)
(3) Also realized that I like to sing. A lot. First noticed this when I lived with Beth in the DDH, now confirmed here in the 'Grove. I like to just fill the space with song. It's my perpetual battle with silence.
(4) All day I felt the great need to sob. No idea why, or about what, or even when, but the tears were there, simmering in a stew of thoughts, memories, sins and missteps. I never cried. Couldn't do it. I can't tell if the need is still there.
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