Romans 7:15,18 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do (follow that?)...I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." I guess recently I have fully felt the frustrations of being human--of messing up, of embarassing myself, of miscommunication, of other people's shortcomings, of setting a standard in your life that you could never reach on your own--on my own. Again and again this struggle arises, and again and again I seem to stumble and fall over it. Situations I have not properly dealt with in the past pop up again--and again I realize how much my heart and actions seem to conflict. So much recent stuff reminds me of struggles and fights with my parents and so my reaction wants to be eerily similar. It cannot be, and it terrifies me how it reverts back there so easily--I feel almost like a trapped 16 year-old, and fight or flight takes over.
In recent times my religious beliefs have been slandered by others who wanted to incite something in me (it worked), and only in hindsight did I realize what a testament that was--they knew it was important enough to me in my life and was big enough to bother them that they verbalized that! wow! that's almost awesome! It caused an ephiany--thoughout college I've felt pressured to be as complacent and quiet about what I believed, for fear that I may offend others with my personal expressions (by this I do not mean soapbox tirades, but small expressions like verses in my AIM profile...minor things here) so they have laid dormant for the sake of acceptance and peace. And that dormacy is not quietly standing for something but in a way it's claiming to stand for nothing. It's fear. And I've realized that if I will stand up when my God is mocked outright, why will I not speak up when he is belittled in daily conversation? I dunno. I am human, and that pisses the heck out of me more often than not. "But for the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace in me was not without effect." -1 Cor. 15:10
