More Flight than Fight

My posts are reminicent of my life now--not steady or quasi-constant, it bubbles up occasionally, just to prove it still exists. It doesn't have much to say, except to exclaim its presence in some other realm. Well I'm bubbling up again I guess.
Today I'm thinking about commitment, and why it is completely revolting and terrifying to me right now. Like I can't even commit to a real job because I'm that paranoid. It breaks my heart, because it used to be so easy. I remember picking colleges--it was so...so clear where I was to go...I miss that clarity. Does age muddle lines, turn translucent into oblique? Or is it just the process of being burned in some form that causes a heart once willing to embrace to sieze up at the mere mention? When did I stop the fight and just automatically revert to the flight?
Today it really became clear the degree to which my aversion has spread. I had a meeting with the high school WYLD Life leaders this morning at 7am, and I was leading the meeting for some reason, with Erin and Tammi there. I can do the planning fine, but when it comes to building relationships, I attempt to flee at an alarming speed. Erin is pushing me to make up my mind in some way, and I cannot blame her...I just can't do it. Maybe it was the whole presidency thing--that was so much more than I expected, with less support than I had expected. How much more when working with kids!
I can't commit to a single job, so I dabble in multiple fields. I can't commit to a single guy, so I daydream about the unattainable or long-gone. And in so many ways I feel like I can't commit to my faith; at least not to the degree that I see around me. I want my belief and faith to be strong, but every time I get close something occurs that makes me say, "Wait, do I really want that in my life?" Can I really keep my political views and love Jesus? Can I really keep my friends and still be able to lead in some capacity? Why am I so critical of others being "real" when I am clearly not real with them?
Why am I so narcissistic?
There's my bubbling...who knows the next time I'll come up to vent.