Back of The Mind

I've written about my back pain and subsequent problems several times over these four and a half years (4.5 years!? Ummm...holy shit on that one?), seems to be about once every year or so it spews up, bloggerized. There are two from 2004 when I was going to the doctor about it and one a week later when they told me they thought I had a brain tumor/leukemia (those are Here and Here). What a strange time that was (other posts are Here, Here and Here ).
I ran the HRA 9th grade program this past weekend, as I have done for those five years or so. I know that running the program will hurt my back and I'll be sore and/or limited for a few days afterward. The question is, why do it? Why do the things that I know will cause me pain and uncomfortably?
The answer is clear to me: because if I don't, then it wins. Whatever it is that's causing this situation gains yet another foothold in my life; takes yet another thing I love. Like a slow robbery. It's already taken whitewater, good sleep, taken most caving, office work, extended backpacking, extended guitar. I can start to imagine how it must feel for an aging woman to lose her drivers license, knowing she won't ever get it back, even if family promises otherwise. It's watching freedoms like sand grains slipping through fingers. And so I will continue to do what I love as long as I can because I'm tired of losing my life to the prospect of pain. I'm tired of feeling robbed. I have little else I'm willing to give up for the sake of one more restful night.