Mettle

Sorry, I'm not good at posting on computers other than my own. It messes up my mojo. I don't know why, but I'm in love with my lappy too much. But I have been writing posts on my computer just waiting to post them and since I'm loving this here WiFi I'll post a few now.

I wrote a journal entry called that several months ago (yes besides a blog I also write a journal. And sometimes songs or poems, and even letters. And yet I still find time to paint my toenails. Be in awe), and it was about fortitude, about what is at the core. I was doubting my mettle to make it through the middle of a struggle. Sometimes when I get comfortable somewhere I lose my mettle. I am quicksilver; at room temperature I turn to liquid, but when the temperatures get extreme I am at my form and function. Part of me wonders if I do it to myself; I create those situations where survival modes takes over from the mundane processes of simply living because it is what I know well (I don't say that to be melodramatic, I sincerely wonder. I don't have a therapist; this is it. Deal.). While brushing my teeth the other day I realized my greatest fear: to be completely unprepared and clueless. To be utterly and totally lost. That is my greatest fear. Normal people fear spiders, snakes, heights, public speaking, public nudity...nope. For me it's being in a situation or place and having no frame of reference or even a clue as to what to do or how to go about doing it. That is what quakes me.