Worth

We give value to things based on their usefulness or application; they are worth an amount because of what they can do, what they symbolize or even their availability. Even the term "worth" is defined with the word value and vice versa. They simply are what they are. A five-dollar bill is not worth anything intrinsically; it is valued at what 5 dollars can buy, be it lunch or a cheap watch. Its worth is not concrete. During the fall of Communism in the USSR the Ruble was so worthless a wheelbarrow of money would only get a loaf of bread. But “Swamp Ophelia” by the Indigo Girls is an album that is worth much to me, not because the songs are so exceptional (though they are good) but because of the memories attached to it. It's the $15 monetarily, but its real value lies elsewhere on a grander scale. Then there are those carnival toys that took $10 in games to win but end up in the garbage shortly thereafter. Their value lay merely in the pursuit, not in their actuality. Value seems fickle.
I say these things because I am mired in much, and one such tangle is worth. Self-worth, worth within relationships, a fettered path between the innards and the world. I put much of my worth in friendships in what I can do for someone, how I can be helpful, what I can do to make their life easier. This is one way I show love, be it a mixed CD, a changed flat or a fixed desk, and I do it willingly. I love when others are better. Yet if there isn't anything to work on, anything to fix, anything to get them, I am an awkward mess. I don't know what to do or say. I feel worthless. I don't think I have much else to offer past the casual banter. I know that sounds sort of dramatic and I'm not sure how to alleviate some of that from this observation. Sadly, my worth seems very much based in my abilities. I see myself as that $5 bill, worth only what it can do, rather than it's less than glamorous makeup of fibers and filaments. I want to believe I am worth more than what I can do.

There is no conclusion to this post, only that observation and the acute awareness of not knowing what to do about it.