"Feeeeeeelings, Nothing More Than Feelings...."

Today I had the 6.5 hr drive back to VA to pick up the last of my things and attend a wedding. Driving is always a sort of therapy for me as it forces me to think on things I've avoided. Today's thoughts were on feeling, or more specifically, the heart. How is it that humans have been in existance for thousands of years yet we've only been able to understand the first few inches of a depth of tens of leagues within the human heart? My friend Liz and I were talking about those things that have portions of our hearts, and how reserved we are about confessing that for a multitude of reasons, some well-intentioned but most mere self-preservation. We don't own what is in our hearts. I think on this because I have a sincere desire to give Christ my whole heart, yet if I don't even know what's there, How am I to know what I'm giving over to him? I want to know what I give him--not so I can control and censor what I give, rather so that I may give more freely and willingly. If Christ has my heart and a desire in my heart continues to grow, who am I to supress and deny that desire? We downplay it, we brush it off, keep it secretive under the guise of "making sure it's God's plan" but if you've prayed about it earnestly and you've sought his will and guidance and yet that desire still grows, who are you to quell it? I want to learn to own what I feel; what I am passionate about and what distracts me. In my life it's a person who I've recently realized means more to me than about anyone else on the planet, and his happiness and wellbeing matter more than my own. It has little to do with us being together (though frankly I wouldn't mind); I just genuinely love him for who he is: my friend. I don't think I would be able to own that before now, but if it fails than it fails. If I regret it than I do; if I am broken then I am and I know who will heal me. But if I don't own it, I lose feeling something. Feeling is a gift--both physically and emotionally--it is the difference between bland food and spice, between cloudy days and cloudless skies, stoic faces and wide mouths of surprise--it's like a self-check on living. God gave it to us for a reason and I've sqandered it in the names of strong independence and selfish pride for too long. I want to own what I am.