"Hello Help?"

I love Facebook; I have a lot of fun on Facebook. One reason I have so much fun on Facebook is because I entertain myself so easily and I have friends who are exceptionally good at it as well. A few months ago, I made my status into a game (it’s a favorite thing of mine to do), the category being “Movie Plots Made Irrelevant by the Advent of the Cell Phone” and asked friends to chime in. It is as easy as it sounds. Here are a few of the submissions, as well as reasons why they wouldn’t work anymore had a cell phone been part of the plot.

Kujo. "Hello, 911? Yes, I'm stranded in my car on a country road and there is a mad crazy dog outside trying to get in. Already killed someone. Could you send a squad and some big guns? Thanks."

An Affair to Remember. "Hey I was on my way there but I got run over...meet me at hospital and we'll chat?"

Misery. “Trapped by Kathy Bates. She has hammer, I have ankles. Come quick.”

Every single Batman movie, they don't need the sign in the sky. Then AT&T would know who Batman is.

Into the Wild. “Yo! Need sandwich. I’m in the bus. There’s a bridge ½ mile upstream? Really? Shoot…my bad.”

The Little Mermaid (texting of course): "Eric, I'm a mermaid and if you don't kiss me, crazy sea lady will kill us all. U R cute. Love Ariel."

Pretty Woman. "Hey Lawyer-guy/future George Costanza, I can't drive your bloody Lotus like a man, so could you come pick my weak ass up before this really tall girl from Mystic Pizza pseudo-hooker tries to pick me up?"

Seven. "Honey if Kevin Spacey knocks on the door DO NOT ANSWER IT."

Titanic: "I'm the freezing chick in the water who just let go of Jack (over here where the sad music is playing). Please get your damn boat over here now! I can’t yell but I’ll play my ringtone really loud for you.”

Every horror movie EVER: "Hello? 911? There is some psycho something about to chase me. I am going run outside, screaming, looking behind me the whole time, and then I am going to trip. Come find me before it's too late."

Fight Club. "Why is it every time I try to call Tyler Durden I get my own voice mail? Hmmm...."

Labyrinth. "Mom? Can't find little bro. Think Bowie kidnapped him. Call cops?"

Jaws: "Hello, there is a huge-ass angry shark headed towards our boat and he's been chasing us for a couple of days. We tried to kill it ourselves, but have recently deemed ourselves idiots and decided that might not be the best option."

Silence of the Lambs: "Hello, 911? Some hella creepy dude is trying to make a size-14 skin suit outta my ass. Send help immediately to 421 Scary-Torture-Pit-In-The-Basement Way."

Citizen Kane: "BTW, Rosebud was my sled. Ya'll kiss it."

Forrest Gump. "Hello Jenn-ay? You are around the corner? I'm at the bus stop. Be right there."

Robin Hood: "Hey, Richard? Yeah, that Nottingham guy is acting like a giant douche. Screw the Crusades, get back here and get your sh*t straight."

Every James Bond movie ever: "Hey Henchman? Yeah, it's the Head Villian Dude. Change of plans: shoot the British guy in the face."

Sleepless in Seatle. Meg Ryan: I'm on the Empire State Building.....you? Tom Hanks: See ya in a minute.

The Notebook. "Hey, you get my letters? No? Your mom is a B. I love you, bought us a house. Check it out."

The Shining “Come freaking rescue us from the middle of nowhere. Some psycho is cutting holes in doors of the hotel room!

Princess Bride: "Buttercup, I am not dead - I have become the dread Pirate Roberts and am plundering the sea so that I can save money for us to get married.... well I would have called earlier but I’ve been mostly dead all day.”

Memento. Daily text to self: "You lost your memory, nut job. You killed wife."

Gone with the wind. "Scarlett, you are a crazy B. Not coming back."

Crimson Tide: "hello headquarters? Our telegraph machine from 1953 got broke on our nuclear submarine here and damn if we can't read your last message. Are the Russians still trippin? No?! Okay well, could you tell that to Gene Hackman over here? He won't believe what my black-ass has to say and is just ITCHIN to blow shit up.”

Crying Game. Solved with one text: "Dude, chick is a dude."

Romeo and Juliet. "Hey Romeo, ya Jewels here. Look I'm drinking something that will make me LOOK dead. So don't freak out or anything. I'm not REALLY dead. See ya soon. LUV U :)

Hope that entertained you; I think I speak for all my friends when I say we had a great time doing it.
I promise a real and more substantial blog post soon!

Burn With the Fire of Ten Million Stars

The 'major motion picture event' known as “Fame” came out the year before I was born. I don't remember a time when I didn't know this, didn't know that Irene Cara played CoCo in “Fame”, I didn't know all the words to “I Sing the Body Electric”. I thought everybody did. It was the sort of knowledge that comes from the deep place of knowing something before you have the conscious to realize you didn't at one time know it. Like peanut butter, or Mr. Rodgers.
I know all this because I have an older sister.

My oldest sister is 9 years my senior, so even she was too young to be obsessed with the “Fame” LP like she was when I was a toddler but that didn't stop it from being played ad nauseum. My other sister and I kept up the tradition long after the eldest had tired of it. Bubby and I would pull out that big black and red disc jacket, knowing of the movie only what we could glean from the photos inside the cover and the words of the songs. In fact, it's all we knew of New York City. Those photos are still so vivid to me, our eyes pouring over every detail.

Here is what our skills of observation were able to collect:

1. We knew it was gritty; there was a photo of kids dancing on cars. IN THE STREET. Gritty.

2. We knew it contained dancing. In like outfits and stuff.

3. And there was a guy with big red hair. Who may or may not have a crush on the girl who is sitting in the snow next to him in that one photo.

4. It may contain dogs. There was a song about dogs in the yard, but we weren't sure where dogs fit in with the dancing storyline. Could be a dead end.

5. We weren't sure what “The Body Electric” was, except an exercise show on PBS but that didn't seem right.

6. There was a character named Leroy, as evidenced by the photo of him in a cut-off sweatshirt with said name ironed across the front.

7. It contained New York City, Boys AND girls, which means one thing: kissing.

And even as I have gotten older these are still the basic facts about “Fame” that I've kept. The first song I learned on guitar I got from that familiar “Fame” soundtrack. This is what I knew of “Fame”, what was safe about it, and that is what I loved. It wasn't until this year that I got around to watching all of “Fame” and let me tell you, NOT a kids movie. Strong references to drug use, pornography, abortion, junkies, homophobia and, most shocking of all, Freddie Prinze SENIOR. I didn't even know there was a Senior. I just knew about the one in “She's All That.” To top it all off that red haired guy in the movie would lose his hair and in twenty years end up as Dr. Romano on ER and there lose his arm (and later his life) to a freakin' helicopter. In some ways it is like a childhood safe space has been shaken up; concussed into a present mindset. Yet in other ways, it's hilarious. Watching the movie I found myself saying, “Oh! That's that one photo!” as if the movie supplemented the soundtrack and not vice versa.

I heard they've released a new version of FAME. I probably won't see it. I don't have the same connection to it as I do the original one. And to be honest, the story in my head will always be better than the one that played out on the screen.