"Hello Help?"

I love Facebook; I have a lot of fun on Facebook. One reason I have so much fun on Facebook is because I entertain myself so easily and I have friends who are exceptionally good at it as well. A few months ago, I made my status into a game (it’s a favorite thing of mine to do), the category being “Movie Plots Made Irrelevant by the Advent of the Cell Phone” and asked friends to chime in. It is as easy as it sounds. Here are a few of the submissions, as well as reasons why they wouldn’t work anymore had a cell phone been part of the plot.

Kujo. "Hello, 911? Yes, I'm stranded in my car on a country road and there is a mad crazy dog outside trying to get in. Already killed someone. Could you send a squad and some big guns? Thanks."

An Affair to Remember. "Hey I was on my way there but I got run over...meet me at hospital and we'll chat?"

Misery. “Trapped by Kathy Bates. She has hammer, I have ankles. Come quick.”

Every single Batman movie, they don't need the sign in the sky. Then AT&T would know who Batman is.

Into the Wild. “Yo! Need sandwich. I’m in the bus. There’s a bridge ½ mile upstream? Really? Shoot…my bad.”

The Little Mermaid (texting of course): "Eric, I'm a mermaid and if you don't kiss me, crazy sea lady will kill us all. U R cute. Love Ariel."

Pretty Woman. "Hey Lawyer-guy/future George Costanza, I can't drive your bloody Lotus like a man, so could you come pick my weak ass up before this really tall girl from Mystic Pizza pseudo-hooker tries to pick me up?"

Seven. "Honey if Kevin Spacey knocks on the door DO NOT ANSWER IT."

Titanic: "I'm the freezing chick in the water who just let go of Jack (over here where the sad music is playing). Please get your damn boat over here now! I can’t yell but I’ll play my ringtone really loud for you.”

Every horror movie EVER: "Hello? 911? There is some psycho something about to chase me. I am going run outside, screaming, looking behind me the whole time, and then I am going to trip. Come find me before it's too late."

Fight Club. "Why is it every time I try to call Tyler Durden I get my own voice mail? Hmmm...."

Labyrinth. "Mom? Can't find little bro. Think Bowie kidnapped him. Call cops?"

Jaws: "Hello, there is a huge-ass angry shark headed towards our boat and he's been chasing us for a couple of days. We tried to kill it ourselves, but have recently deemed ourselves idiots and decided that might not be the best option."

Silence of the Lambs: "Hello, 911? Some hella creepy dude is trying to make a size-14 skin suit outta my ass. Send help immediately to 421 Scary-Torture-Pit-In-The-Basement Way."

Citizen Kane: "BTW, Rosebud was my sled. Ya'll kiss it."

Forrest Gump. "Hello Jenn-ay? You are around the corner? I'm at the bus stop. Be right there."

Robin Hood: "Hey, Richard? Yeah, that Nottingham guy is acting like a giant douche. Screw the Crusades, get back here and get your sh*t straight."

Every James Bond movie ever: "Hey Henchman? Yeah, it's the Head Villian Dude. Change of plans: shoot the British guy in the face."

Sleepless in Seatle. Meg Ryan: I'm on the Empire State Building.....you? Tom Hanks: See ya in a minute.

The Notebook. "Hey, you get my letters? No? Your mom is a B. I love you, bought us a house. Check it out."

The Shining “Come freaking rescue us from the middle of nowhere. Some psycho is cutting holes in doors of the hotel room!

Princess Bride: "Buttercup, I am not dead - I have become the dread Pirate Roberts and am plundering the sea so that I can save money for us to get married.... well I would have called earlier but I’ve been mostly dead all day.”

Memento. Daily text to self: "You lost your memory, nut job. You killed wife."

Gone with the wind. "Scarlett, you are a crazy B. Not coming back."

Crimson Tide: "hello headquarters? Our telegraph machine from 1953 got broke on our nuclear submarine here and damn if we can't read your last message. Are the Russians still trippin? No?! Okay well, could you tell that to Gene Hackman over here? He won't believe what my black-ass has to say and is just ITCHIN to blow shit up.”

Crying Game. Solved with one text: "Dude, chick is a dude."

Romeo and Juliet. "Hey Romeo, ya Jewels here. Look I'm drinking something that will make me LOOK dead. So don't freak out or anything. I'm not REALLY dead. See ya soon. LUV U :)

Hope that entertained you; I think I speak for all my friends when I say we had a great time doing it.
I promise a real and more substantial blog post soon!

Find Me Home

I love maps.
I am genetically bound to love maps; I come from a long line of hobbyist and professional mappers. As soon as I learned to read words I learned to read a map. I started as the navigator for family trips when I was probably 7 or 8. I just can't stop staring at maps. I used to have stationary made of old topo maps. I am that bad.
My grandfather is credited with being one of the inventors of the 3D relief (topographic) map during WWII; I have rather fond memories of the old foam models of much of SE Asia hanging on the walls in my grandparents' basement. Talking to him about maps was learning another way to communicate. I just love how much information can be translated through something so straightforward as a map, like it is a cartographic Rosetta Stone.
Just as I have an undying love of maps, I have an uninhibited disgust of GPS systems.
I think they are lazy, insulting, and encourage and even enable people to be more helpless. Learn to read a map, you moron. Learn the cardinal directions, figure out which way you are facing, and save yourself. Maps aren't getting their credit, shiny new GPS is taking away all of their thousands of years of thunder.
And with that I have a confession...I went to visit my father and stepmother on Monday night and was driving home yesterday and took a wrong turn. I had been looking at maps all day with my dad (to plan out their week) so I knew basically where I was, but I have a navigator program on my phone I've never used and thought this was the time to check it out. Yes, a GPS device.
I have become what I despise.
Observations:
(1) Creepy how my phone new exactly where I was. Very big brother.
(2) It was distracting having a screen to look at to tell me where to go; my eye was drawn to it repeatedly, thus I am too ADD to use such a program.
(3) There was something comforting about being able to tell my phone to find me a way home and it did. I felt a bit like a child crying "I wanna go home!"

I like having a map function but the GPS was a bit too much. I don't need that much hand holding. So there is my compromise I guess. I can save myself, just need a little nudging.