Space

I have a dear friend who is a bit of a space nerd, and he likes to complain during movies when spaceships pass the camera and their engines roar. “That doesn't happen,” he insists. “There is no sound in outer space. Sound is a variation in pressure in the air caused by waves, and as there is no 'air' in space, there is no sound detectable to the human ear.” This is usually when I'd throw something at him.

There is something so beautiful and mysterious about that. The vastness of space is silent. How absolutely lonely, to have the wonder of infinity in your sight and no way to proclaim it.

As Cool As I Am

I have been going non-stop for about a week and a half and it's taken its toll. I'm not complaining; I love my social events and don't like to miss them but I am currently very tired. Two weeks ago I had back spasms so badly I felt like I could flip a quarter on it without trying. I had muscle spasms in my arm that felt like someone was poking me. They actually woke me up and I turned to make sure there wasn't someone standing there. Very odd sensation. Feeling so keenly a human touch that didn't actually exist.

I'm thinking about the fight or flight instinct currently, as I do believe I've grown so tired of the fight that I've turned to fleeing and doing so in whatever manner I can. I think that is a part of the appeal of perpetual social engagements. Stay distracted, stay moving, keep spinning. There is a line in an old Dar Williams song where she talks about seeing a girl out in a club:

“The whole bar is loud and proud and everybody's trying yeah
You play the artist, saying is it how she moves or how she looks
I say it's loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks
And as long as she's got noise she's fine
But I could teach her how I learned to dance
When the music's ended.”

I think that's what it is. I need to learn to dance when the music has ended, to be OK in the stillness, not get crushed underneath the fight when I finally sit out a flight.

(post is called "As Cool As I Am" not because I think I'm cool, but because that's the name of the song I quote. And also maybe cuz I think I'm pretty cool. Maybe not.)

Give Up

Ok, I give up. Hands where you can see 'em, towel thrown in. I'm so tired I'm done. I haven't had a job in almost two months and currently my bank account practically shouts that fact. Since I've been unemployed I've been robbed, gotten very “whooping cough: the return” sick, applied for 20-some jobs and now my check engine light has come on. And right before that I got dumped, so yeah that's fun. I haven't slept through a night in practically a month and really do think I've developed an ulcer. Awesome. I'm considering skipping the wedding on saturday to wrangle at Windy Gap for the cash. It's practically nothing but it's more than I currently have. I really can't handle anything else. I am so frustrated and stressed and distraught and at my wits end—I feel like I am barely holding on. I'm sorry to dump this on my blog, where I try to put things in a funny perspective most of the time, but I'm too tired to do it anymore. And I'm not asking for money or sympathy, but dammit it's my blog I can vent if I want to. It just all hit me yesterday harder than it has previously. I need something to look up. This fall has been one gut kick after another; I can't believe how the bottom just keeps getting lower. I know God has the best in store for me but he needs to hurry up and fuckin' pull that shit out quick before I run out of alcohol and start drinking Scope. Or antifreeze.