As Cool As I Am

I have been going non-stop for about a week and a half and it's taken its toll. I'm not complaining; I love my social events and don't like to miss them but I am currently very tired. Two weeks ago I had back spasms so badly I felt like I could flip a quarter on it without trying. I had muscle spasms in my arm that felt like someone was poking me. They actually woke me up and I turned to make sure there wasn't someone standing there. Very odd sensation. Feeling so keenly a human touch that didn't actually exist.

I'm thinking about the fight or flight instinct currently, as I do believe I've grown so tired of the fight that I've turned to fleeing and doing so in whatever manner I can. I think that is a part of the appeal of perpetual social engagements. Stay distracted, stay moving, keep spinning. There is a line in an old Dar Williams song where she talks about seeing a girl out in a club:

“The whole bar is loud and proud and everybody's trying yeah
You play the artist, saying is it how she moves or how she looks
I say it's loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks
And as long as she's got noise she's fine
But I could teach her how I learned to dance
When the music's ended.”

I think that's what it is. I need to learn to dance when the music has ended, to be OK in the stillness, not get crushed underneath the fight when I finally sit out a flight.

(post is called "As Cool As I Am" not because I think I'm cool, but because that's the name of the song I quote. And also maybe cuz I think I'm pretty cool. Maybe not.)

Misc.

It's been a while!
Tidbits:

* I finally had the concept of post-modernism explained to me. I've never had a theology or philosophy class and it wasn't something taught in science lectures to be sure. Interesting. Now I'm trying to figure out how I feel about aboslutes, and I don't mean the vodka.

* Daniel Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, is trying to make my head explode. I think he is Jerry Jones (owner of the Cowboys) in a young Republican costume. I think he legitimately hates the Redskins and thus is trying to make them implode every year. That's the only conclusion I can come up with for his boneheaded moves.

* I'm also harboring bitterness toward the Green Bay Packers, for losing to the Giants and thus making me have to cheer for an NFC East rival. I don't want to cheer for Eli Manning. Darn you Brett Favre for putting me in that situation.

*My back has been crippingly painful as of late and it is maddening. I'm looking everywhere for reprieve.

* Went to Windy Gap for leftover lunch on Monday--I should visit more often. I had such a love/hate relationship during my internship there and now it's simply love. Those people are such blessings. Plus I get a lot of hugs. In hindsight I am so thankful for my tenure there.

* "LOST" last night...hmm...where are they going? What the heck? And I'm mourning Charlie. I really liked how far his character had come. And poor Claire.

* I'm re-reading "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. I sure do love that woman. It's balancing out "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris.

* I've been studying Daniel lately. In one of his prayers he says, "Do not hear us because we are righteous, but because of your mercy." reminds me that God doesn't hear us because of what we are or aren't, but because he loves us. Should be obvious. Totally isn't.

* There are several things I want to learn how to do, or get certified in: auto mechanic, pilot, EMT, professional driving, shoot a handgun, take self-defense, scuba dive. Maybe be fluent in another language. And learn to sew. I hate feeling helpless in situations.

* I finally got my NC license. The first one they gave me said my gender was male. Whoops.

* You know what is great? Pringles.